After Lauren Astley’s murder, what teens need to know about dating violence

By Deborah Kotz, Globe Staff

News of the grisly murder of 18-year-old Lauren Astley allegedly by her ex-boyfriend -- who was arrested yesterday after blood soaked clothing was found stashed in his attic -- underscores the importance of educating teens about dating violence.

While it is extremely rare for relationships to end in murder, an estimated 1 in 3 high school relationships involve some sort of physical, emotional or sexual abuse, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

“It’s a common problem, in city, suburbs, and rural communities,” says Emily Rothman, a domestic violence researcher at the Boston University School of Public Health. And it happens all too frequently in Massachusetts, she adds, where some 1 in 10 teens have experienced physical violence in a relationship.

Despite the frequency of abusive teen relationships, many parents are reluctant to talk to teens about how to protect themselves. In a recent study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, Rothman found that just 55 percent of parents who participated in a national survey reported that they had talked with their kids about dating abuse. Those who hadn’t done so said their child hadn’t yet started dating or would learn through experience.

“We learned years ago that the right time to start talking to kids is before they’re in a relationship,” she says. The same can be said about talking to teens about the dangers of drinking and driving before they get their license.

Parents should start teaching about healthy relationships from preschool on, Rothman contends, from the moment brothers start pushing each other or nursery school playmates pin a girl down for a kiss. “Adults need to promote the idea that kids shouldn’t be violent or controlling with anyone -- that everyone deserves respect in any kind of relationship.”

Parents also need to make teens aware of warning signs in a relationship. These include not just the obvious physical violence, which often starts with slaps, pinches, and pushes before progressing to punches and beatings. “Insults and humiliating put-downs can also be a sign of abuse,” says Rothman.

Control and jealousy can also rear their ugly heads in the form of constant texting or phone calls to check up on a partner’s whereabouts, or pressure to withdraw from other relationships with friends or loved ones. “These are emotionally abusive behaviors,“ Rothman says, “but they can be just as damaging and just as restricting” as physical ones.

Research has shown that teens who are in abusive relationships are more likely to develop depression, eating disorders, and post traumatic stress disorder; they’re more likely to contract a sexually transmitted disease or to become pregnant. And they’re at risk of subsequent victimization in future relationships.

What’s more, parents should keep in mind that boys can also be victims of partner abuse from either a male or female partner.

The best way to provide teens with help is to keep an open line of communication. “Ask them questions even if they don’t seem like they want to talk with you,” Rothman advises. The Teen Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-877-785-2020 can provide free counselors to help parents and teens extricate themselves from dangerous situations.

The Boston Public Health Commission is holding its second annual healthy break-up conference, “Break-up Summit 2.0,” on Wednesday, July 20 at Northeastern University from 10 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. It’s free and open to teens ages 15 and up and adults, and features workshops on supporting teens through a break-up. Registration is required. For more information, contact Casey Corcoran at ccorcoran@bphc.org or (617) 534-5674.