Her kids' questions helped reveal answers

Mallika Chopra's first book, "100 Promises to My Baby," evolved from the extensive reflections, meditations, stories, and mini-essays that she recorded in a journal when she was pregnant with her first child. This month Chopra's second book was published by Rodale Press. Called "100 Questions From My Child," it explores the daily cascade of questions that her two girls -- Tara , now 5, and Leela , 3 -- put forth: Do trees have feelings? When will I see God? What happened to Maa (their great-grandmother) after she died? Why do I have to share things?

Mallika is the daughter of the doctor-writer Deepak Chopra and serves as a partner in his production company, Chopra Media . She is also the creative force behind intentblog .com , a site that features blogs by both Mallika and Deepak Chopra. We talked to her by phone from her home in Los Angeles, where she lives with her husband, Sumant Mandal , and their two daughters.

Q In many of the segments in your book, you begin with a question your daughters have asked, describe the way you answered, and then go on to pose a hypothetical follow-up question for the reader to ask his or her own child. Most adults buy parenting books to find answers, not more questions. How does yours fit in to the genre?

A My first book was conceived when I started to write down questions that I was asking myself about what kind of parent I wanted to be. Now, my children ask me questions, questions that challenge me to think about my beliefs, my values, my judgments. It's not really a book about how to give your children answers; it's about the journey of self-discovery that occurs as parents and children search for answers together. As parents, sometimes the easiest way out is just to give a simple answer to a question. Or, worse, to say "Because I said so." My goal is to stimulate a dialogue between parents and children, to inspire them to explore questions together.

Q When did you become aware that your means of expression as a mindful parent had transitioned from making promises to your child, as reflected in your first book, to answering questions, as in this one?

A It actually happened at one exact moment: on a morning in July of 2005 when we turned on the TV and saw coverage of the London train bombings. My daughter saw the pictures before we realized what was happening, and right away she wanted to know: Mommy, what's a bomb? And then: Why would someone want to hurt people? Right at that moment, I realized the extent to which, as parents, our explanations of the world shape our children's views -- and what an enormous responsibility that is. How can you possibly answer a question about bombs in a way that makes a child feel safe and secure? That's one of our greatest challenges as parents.

Q What memories do you have from your own childhood about asking questions of your parents?

A I remember that my parents always used our questions to empower us to think for ourselves. They didn't always give my brother and me answers; they helped us think things out for ourselves. And that was something I always wanted to emulate when I became a parent.

Q What are the hardest questions for you to answer?

A Well, there are two kinds of questions that can be hard to answer. First of all, there are the obvious questions about sex and relationships, which my parents had trouble with sometimes when I was growing up , too. My 5-year-old already asks why boys and girls are different. One thing I do is ask her teachers for advice on how to answer those questions. I ask other parents how they deal with those discussions as well. It's good to use other parents and professionals as a resource when you're stuck for an answer.

But the other kind of really hard question is more along the lines of social justice and equity: Why are people poor? Why do some people hurt other people? We've traveled to India several times, and the girls have witnessed extreme poverty there. They ask questions like, "Why can't that mother feed her child?" And then there are the much more mundane but equally important ones: "Why did my friend at school say she hated me today?"

Q Do you and your husband answer questions differently?

A Definitely. One question in the book is "Mom, why can't I stop crying?" Crying is a topic that my husband and I see very differently. My husband hates to see our daughters cry; his impulse is always to fix whatever is wrong so that they stop. But for me, expressing anger and sadness and frustration is as important as laughter and hope, and the goal should not always be to stop crying right away. My husband and I know that there is no one right or wrong way to approach things. Our goal is to be conscious of what we are doing and how we create solutions.

Q What questions are you afraid of?

A Honestly, there aren't any questions I'm afraid of anymore. I've made a commitment to answer my daughters' questions in an honest fashion. Right now a friend of Tara's is sick. That's going to be a hard journey. She watched my first cousin undergo chemo and radiation, which caused him to lose his sight and hearing. There are no answers to the question: Why does this have to happen to him? We don't know why. It's hard to admit that.

Q Do you ever look back on something your daughters asked and wish you'd answered differently?

A Yes -- every single day. My daughters ask me questions while I'm busy, multitasking, can't give the attention they need. When I realize that's happened, I try to find time later on to revisit the question, to examine the emotions and issues behind it. What parents need to know is that it's never too late to go back to a question.