Lady Arabella Snark pays discourtesy call

(COURTESY A.C. KEMP)

Two years ago, A.C. Kemp, a lecturer in English Language Studies at MIT, began writing a book about slangy insults, based on her website slangcity.com. As it took shape, so did the character of Lady Arabella Snark, a socialite dowager who's gone through several husbands (and prison terms) en route to becoming the Emily Post of the snarky putdown. Lady Arabella soon took over the project, says Kemp, begging the question: With frenemies like her, who needs Emily?

Published by Adams Media, "The Perfect Insult for Every Occasion: Lady Snark's Guide to Common Discourtesy" provides advice for anyone dealing with "smarmy co-workers, obstreperous children, and elderly relatives who refuse to die." We caught up with Lady Arabella between visits to her parole officer.

Q. There are a million etiquette guides around. What's different about yours?

A. Most put the emphasis on what the other person wants. Mine's about what you want, which is much more important.

Q. People complain about the lack of civility in today's society. You don't seem concerned, though.

A. On the contrary, I think people should be civil to me. I just don't believe the opposite is true.

Q. Is civility an overrated virtue?

A. As I said, the important point about good manners is that other people demonstrate them toward you.

Q. Any general guidelines for discourteous behavior?

A. If provoked, one should take advantage of whatever weapons are at one's disposal. Cruel words, for instance, or perhaps a tire iron.

Q. As the presidential campaign turns increasingly uncivil, are you cheering "You go, girl!" or "Poke her in the eye, Barack!"?

A. There's a presidential election going on?

Q. Never mind. Whom would you rather sit beside at a dinner party, Bill Moyers or Bill O'Reilly?

A. Moyers, but only because he'd be more fun to be cruel to.

Q. Let's talk social situations. Hosting a dinner party?

A. Number one, don't do it. It's always better to eat free food at someone else's house. Plus, you have the option of leaving.

Q. Dating tips?

A. I look at a man's bank statements first.

Q. Attending a high school or college reunion?

A. Again, don't. People who are really successful - or unsuccessful - don't go to reunions. The ones who do feel insecure about themselves and want to impress you so you'll feel crappy about yourself.

Q. Coping with rowdy, inebriated fans at sporting events?

A. I'd ask if they had any more inebriants.

Q. Join the party, as it were?

A. I might suggest some more creative taunts, too, just to make things more entertaining.

Q. What do you think of etiquette mavens like Emily Post and Judith Martin?

A. They're very amusing to read, but I'm sure they're not serious.

Q. How has the Internet changed public discourtesy?

A. Instead of just being rude as oneself, one can be rude as other personas.

Q. When giving public readings, do you treat attendees with the same snarkiness you advise them to visit upon others?

A. That depends on how pathetic they are.

Q. Also whether they've bought your book?

A. That, too.

Q. Your civility is for sale, then?

A. Basically, yes.

Q. At what price?

A. I believe it's $9.95.

Joseph P. Kahn can be reached at jkahn@globe.com.