Change your focus to better your life

The queasily titled “Liking the Child You Love’’ asks you to separate your kid’s bad behavior from the good child you really have. Bernstein, a child psychologist, applies many of the lessons of cognitive therapy (i.e., how thoughts drive behaviors) to child rearing. How we feel and think about our kids, he says, affects how we act toward them.

Bernstein identifies nine toxic ways of thinking about your child, from labeling (“you’re a liar’’) to sarcasm (“maybe we should call you Pinocchio, the way you lie’’) to dooming conclusions (“your lies are going to get you in huge trouble, and no one will ever believe you again’’). But what if instead of calling your child a liar, which shuts down trust, you think of him or her as someone afraid to tell you the truth? Rephrasing the problem like this opens communication, allows for trust, and helps you both get at the real issues and deal with them.

Bernstein helps you identify toxic thought patterns with lots of fun charts, and he doles out concrete help. Listen, don’t lecture (kids won’t open up to parents they feel are unfair), and instead of negatively labeling your child, find evidence to the contrary and focus and remark on that. Use different words for problems (“you’re challenging’’ is better than “you’re impossible’’). Once you start perceiving things in a new way, you’ll have other expectations, and react and feel differently, and your child will usually change his behavior in response.

So now that you’re on the way to liking your child, what about those whom they like, i.e., their pals? “Making Friends: A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Child’s Friendships’’ by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer outlines four phases of friendship as children grow from babies (yes, it’s important for them to socialize) into teens. A lot of her advice is quirky and fun, like helping a nervous preschooler connect with the teacher by bringing in a shiny stone, and she peppers her book with the voices of the many British and American children she interviewed.

But while we all want our kids to have friends, how can we help them forge and sustain these important bonds? Give your child contacts with other children from babyhood on, Hartley-Brewer advises. Let your child see you with your friends. And don’t assume a friendship needs you to step in. A kid who seems like a bully might be just assertive. Recognizing real problems, like when a child is the butt of gossip, is important, but the goal is not to solve the dilemma for your child, but to shore up self-esteem so he or she can handle it.

Hartley-Brewer also urges parents to let go of their notions of what a friendship should be, and let kids dictate their own relationships instead. While it’s understandable why you wouldn’t want your child befriending someone who steals or who uses drugs and you might want to keep an eye on cyber friendships, kids might value and need someone you find irritating. Your job, says Hartley-Brewer, is to realize your child is not an extension of you. Understanding, rather than undermining, your child’s choice of friend is in itself an act of friendship between you and your child.

So with all this focus on parenting, how about a little self-pampering? “Why Don’t I Do the Things I Know Are Good for Me’’ by motivational speaker B. J. Gallagher serves up 52 nifty ways to make your own happiness a priority, from going on a harsh-media fast to experiencing the pleasure of cleaning out a single drawer. Admittedly women-centric, the book is meant to start people on the road to healthy self-love, and it also urges a change in focus.

Why do women sabotage themselves? Blame dad, says a study in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. If you didn’t get unconditional support from your father figure, you’re apt not to feel too great about yourself. Blame the media, which barrages us with images of women who look like swizzle sticks. Women have less status, power, and control than men, Gallagher says, so of course we also have less self-esteem. What to do?

Plenty. Gallagher introduces a six-step process for change: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and termination. Begin to notice what you do and say. Get rid of words like “always’’ and “never,’’ which are barriers to change. What you focus on, you’ll get more of, so why not focus on the things that make you feel good? Your behavior, says Gallagher, will eventually align with your thoughts, which is really cognitive therapy in action.

So can we be better parents, better friends, and better people? According to these books, if you think you can, you can and you will.

Caroline Leavitt’s novel “Breathe’’ will be published next year by Algonquin Books. She can be reached at www.carolineleavitt.com.