The good, the bad,and goofy of '04
Sometimes you have to make do with the year you have, not the year you want.
So it was with 2004, which began with the wardrobe malfunction watched -- and watched and watched -- 'round the world. So offended were the masses by that surprise appearance of Janet Jackson's bejeweled breast during the Super Bowl halftime show, it became the most replayed moment in the history of
After 12 hilarious, excruciating, head-scratching, inspiring, and downright dopey months, 2004 is nearly at an end. It was the kind of year that found Martha Stewart behind bars and Osama bin Laden still on the loose, the kind of year where our little Commonwealth finally enjoyed a world championship by its beloved Rex Sox, and less than a week later, endured a nasty case of the Red State-blues after Senator John Kerry lost his bid for the White House.
Not to be outdone, hip-hop's Ciara sang about her ''Goodies," thousands behaved as if Nicollette Sheridan actually flashed her goodies during a badly conceived ''Monday Night Football" promo; Whitney Houston went into rehab, Bobby Brown went to jail (again); and we argued about whether it was anti-Christian to wish someone ''Happy Holidays" instead of ''Merry Christmas."
And as if there weren't already enough problems to worry about with the still-raging war in Iraq and potentially dangerous prescription medications all over the place, Destiny's Child reunited for a lame album, ''Destiny Fulfilled."
So before we kick this ill-behaved year to the curb, let's get right to the Grahammys for dubious and distinguished achievement in pop culture:
Person of the Year -- Jon Stewart of ''The Daily Show." For his razor-sharp savaging of the pompous yet clueless mainstream media, mendacious politicians and the voters who love them, and a country that may be losing its mind but not its sense of the ridiculous. Also, for verbally popping CNN's dreadful Tucker Carlson and all the ''partisan hacks" (in Stewart's words) who substitute political spin and half-truths for thoughtful analysis.
Wimp of the Year -- Justin Timberlake, for being the simpering little punk who allowed Jackson to endure most of the blame for the halftime show fiasco. Yes, it was Jackson's breast, but who ripped off her clothing?
A Last Goodbye -- Musicians Ray Charles, Rick James, Illinois Jacquet, John Whitehead, Coxsone Dodd, Ol' Dirty Bastard, Izora Rhodes Armstead, Johnny Ramone, and Elvin Jones; performers Marlon Brando, Tony Randall, Christopher Reeve, Janet Leigh, Ron O' Neal, Paul Winfield, Isabel Sanford, Rodney Dangerfield, Ann Miller, Alan King, Bob ''Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan, Spalding Gray, and Fay Wray; authors Iris Chang and Joseph Hansen.
We Love Him, We Love Him Not -- Michael Moore. Loved the message of his documentary ''Fahrenheit 9/11," could have done with a lot less of the messenger. If Kerry had defeated Bush, the egomaniacal Moore would have taken all the credit.
Was That the New Testament or the New Tarantino Flick? -- ''The Passion of the Christ." Mel Gibson makes zillions turning the crucifixion of Jesus into the first religious splatter film. Funny, but I don't recall arterial spurts in my Sunday school Bible.
Girls, Inc. -- Who needs talent when you can be a corporation? Bad reality TV shows (''The Ashlee Simpson Show") beget bad albums (Simpson's ''Autobiography"); modest hit movies (Lindsay Lohan's ''Mean Girls") morph into record contracts (Lohan's ''Speak") for teenagers who can't sing, can't dance, and, judging by some of their TV performances this year, can't even lip-synch.
Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage -- For her third trip down the aisle, Jennifer Lopez married singer Marc Anthony. In January, Britney Spears married some guy in Vegas, only to have the marriage annulled two days later; then, in September, she married some back-up dancer. Oh, on the positive side, Britney announced she was putting her career on hold for a while, and I think that's something we can all feel good about.
Guilty Pleasures -- MTV's ''Battle for Ozzfest" and ''Made," everything by Maroon 5 (yeah, like you haven't belted out ''This Love" when nobody was looking), Terror Squad's ''Lean Back."
Best TV Program -- ''Chappelle's Show." Apologies to Chris Rock, but there isn't a funnier comedian on the scene right now than Dave Chappelle. He created sketch comedy that's as astute as it is outrageous, and he performed a most unlikely feat in making Wayne Brady cool in a skit with Brady riffing on his own deracinated public persona.
Guess He Shouldn't Expect Too Many Christmas Cards This Year -- Sir Elton John, who spent most of the year behaving like a petulant queen. He branded ''American Idol" racist, suggested performers who lip-synch should be shot, called Taiwanese photographers ''rude, vile pigs," dropped an F-bomb live on BBC radio, and criticized George Michael for wasting his talent.
Wishes for 2005 -- World peace, Pedro winning it all for the New York Mets by beating the Sox in Game 7 of the World Series, and ''The Rockford Files" on DVD. Drop it like it's hot. Happy New Year.
Rene Graham's Life in the Pop Lane column appears on Tuesdays. She can be reached at graham@globe.com.
