Love to hate you

I hate Meredith.

I have my reasons.

She whines incessantly and puts y's on the end of words that don't need them (after all, she's ``dark and twisty ") .

She can't be alone, she only talks about her love life, and an entire hospital staff orbits around her.

She got her job because of her mom.

During the 15 seconds she was single, she met a perfect veterinarian who cooks.

She used a sick dog to perpetuate adultery.

She slept with a million guys and never freaked out to her roommates about whether she got an STD.

I hate her because McDreamy is a stupid nickname.

I hate Meredith for the same reason someone posted this note on a blog last winter at 2:20 a.m.: ``I think Meredith's character needs to gain about 20 pounds and stop crying." And for the reason someone posted this one on a blog just a few months ago after last season's finale: ``Meredith looks like some skeleton someone found on an archeological dig and did a voodoo spell on to bring her back to life. Someone get her a Twinkie, a pizza and a Luna Bar and fast."

At least Ally McBeal sang sometimes.

I hate Meredith because sometimes she has a lisp and sometimes she doesn't. I hate her even more because the lisp is cute.

When Meredith is doing her job, which involves cutting people open and exposing their organs, I'm pretty sure she's thinking about boys.

She breathes loud just to be dramatic. She probably doesn't even have asthma.

She thinks she's unique -- everybody's parents get sick and divorced.

I hate Meredith because she wants what she can't have.

Because she's probably going to get her way.

Because if she doesn't get her way, I will feel incomplete.

And because tonight, against my better judgment, I will tune in and root for her just like everybody else.

MEREDITH GOLDSTEIN

Photographer Larry Birkhead , a former boyfriend of Anna Nicole Smith , tells Us Weekly magazine that, no matter what a national TV audience was told Tuesday night, he's the real father of the reality TV star's newborn girl. And he's seeking a DNA test to prove it. Smith's lawyer, Howard K. Stern, told CNN's "Larry King Live" on Tuesday that he is the "proud father" of the girl, Danilynne Hope, born Sept. 7, and he plans to marry Smith "at some point . . . Right now we have to somehow get through what we're going through," said Stern, referring to the Sept. 10 death of Smith's 20-year-old son, Daniel Smith.

Art will imitate celebrity life on NBC's "Law & Order." In an episode that begins filming this week, Chevy Chase guest stars as a TV celebrity who spews religious epithets after being pulled over by police for drunken driving, the network said yesterday. The episode is scheduled to air Nov. 3. Although there are similarities between the episode and Mel Gibson's recent legal troubles, a spokesman for NBC noted that the long-running "Law & Order" drama series "is completely fiction."

Supermodel Naomi Campbell, accused of assaulting her maid with a cellphone, failed to show up in court yesterday, puzzling the judge, who asked for but never got a reason for her absence. Manhattan Criminal Court Judge James Gibbon responded by issuing a bench warrant for Campbell's arrest, but then decided not to put it into effect after Campbell's attorney explained that he and the prosecutor had an agreement. Defense attorney David Breitbart told Gibbon the prosecutor knew Campbell was going to be absent and had agreed not to seek her arrest.

Traffic charges against Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje of ABC's ``Lost" were dropped in Honolulu after defense attorneys proved he has a driver's license. Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who plays Mr. Eko on the drama series, was charged with driving without a license and disobeying a police officer after he was taken into custody Sept. 2 in Waikiki.

FROM WIRE REPORTS