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Greetings! Hola! Bon Noel!
Come right in and rest a spell.
Kick the Uggs off, lose the hoodie.
Grab a plate of home-baked goodies.
Coffee? Cocoa? Pinot noir?
The hearth is lit and here we are
To welcome all ye faithful who
Would share a cup of our yule brew:
A mashed-up missive, couplet-ized
And sent each year in warm reprise
To readers who, as Christmas dawns,
Might fetch it from their frosted lawns.
First of all — and not in passing —
A holiday-of-all-faiths blessing.
Could we take a moment here
To make our quarrels disappear?
Red states, blue states, Mitt v. Barry:
Just for one day, let’s make merry,
Tout ensemble, as they say,
In keeping with this jolly day.
No more going all kvetch-y,
No more speeches Etch A Sketch-y.
Just peace, good will, and harmony
Bundled here beneath our tree.
Six days left and this year’s done!
We must confess it’s had its fun,
So bear with our irreverence while
We almanac it Gangnam Style.
The Court endorsed Obamacare.
Eastwood grilled an empty chair.
Mommy porn was shaded grey.
Critics clucked at Chick-fil-A.
Jesus married? Who’d have thought it?
Karl Rove’s math? Nobody bought it.
Scandal roiled the BBC.
Strike three! called on Bobby V.
Facebook’s IPO fell flat.
Higgs boson? God, what is that?
Good/bad news for legal pot:
The Stones rolled on, but Twinkies? Not.
“Argo,” “Lincoln,” “Les Miz,” “Flight” —
Which flies highest Oscar night?
Lust-crazed generals, fiscal cliffs,
Big Bird memes, replacement refs,
Data mining, shopping apps,
Frankenstorms, spoiled Apple maps,
Pink slime, swelling college debt —
Plus more we’d just as soon forget.
But hark, who could that elf in sleigh be?
Old St. Nick? Then call him, maybe
He’ll Kickstarter our soiree
And superfund this holiday.
IRL, they’re scores of pals we’ll
Invite to our late-year revels:
Dan Day-Lewis, in stovepipe hat;
Usain Bolt, in seconds flat.
Fearless Felix, Honey Boo Boo,
Arn Chorn-Pond, and Shin-Soo Choo.
Yo, Charles Steinberg, come on down!
We’re popping corks to pour a round
For Gov. Chris Christie, Ethel K.,
Richard Ford, and Emeli Sande.
Champagne punch, we’ve mixed a gallon
For Nikki Haley, Jimmy Fallon,
Martha Raddatz, Channing Tatum,
Pussy Riot, and Matt Damon,
While basking in the fire’s glow
Are Pete Townshend, Renzo Piano,
Ke$ha, Bibi Netanyahu,
Nate Silver, and Robert Caro,
Chatting up chef Guy Fieri,
John Boehner, and John Forbes Kerry.
As long as we play Words With Friends
We’ll trust this party never ends
And pass a candy-caned confection,
To Aly Raisman, One Direction,
Lionel Messi, Dave O’Brien,
Ryan Lochte, and Paul Ryan.
Instagram-wise, we shall share
Photos of this swank affair
With Carmen Ortiz, Ayana Mathis,
Rhod Sharp and Quvenzhane Wallis.
Expecting they will be retweeting
Candid shots of season’s greetings.
This bash of ours needs no reminders
Whose names ought to go in binders
Filled with e-vites to those chums
We want around when Santa comes:
Adam Sandler, Sen. Liz Warren,
Sandra Fluke and Bacall, Lauren.
Tom Menino, get well fast.
Richard Engel, join our cast
And sing a chorus of “Deck the Halls”
To Paul Rudd and Diana Krall
While we lift one last frothy flagon
To Steve Greenlee and Marty Baron.
All right, enough of this old tune.
The Mayans claimed it all ends soon.
In fire? Ice? Alien invasion?
This not-for-prophet missive states
There’s more in store to fill our plates
And all we know is we’re still here
To wish you all a bright New Year.
Joseph P. Kahn parks his sleigh at firstname.lastname@example.org.