Couples have a lot of firsts: first date, first kiss, first fight, first gift. It's this last one that can muddy the marital waters and lead to thoughts of returns, refunds, and exchanges - and I don't mean the gifts.
When Jim and I started dating 26 years ago, he gave me a bouquet of tiny blue silk flowers for no reason at all. I was thrilled because it wasn't my birthday, and we were falling in love. But everything changed when we tied the knot on the marriage package.
It was our first holiday season as Mr. and Mrs. We agreed to pass over Hanukkah (a little Jewish humor) and just give each other Christmas gifts. After all, Hanukkah is a minor holiday, and it's really for kids, which we didn't have. Jim gave me a jigsaw puzzle of the inside of a computer, a "joke," he said after he saw the look on my face and listened to my rant: "I hate puzzles. I hate computers, and there's nothing funny about this gift." What happened to the thrill from the silk flowers? Marriage happened.
After the rings go on, the gloves come off. A present undergoes rigorous scrutiny: Does he think about what I like? Does he choose something that reflects my style? And here's the bonus question: Does he really, really love me? If I don't like the gift, he must not. End of discussion. Go to your corners.
In my family we distribute lists. You get what you want and there's no stress. But according to Jim, this arrangement removes the joy of shopping for the perfect present. That joy resulted in a computer puzzle. End of discussion. Go to your corners.
After all these years, we've solved the gift-giving problem. We still pass over Hanukkah, and for Christmas we fill each other's stockings. I buy safe stuff: fudge, mystery books, CDs, and a few jokes. Some years I get a gold star; some years I get a polite "Thank you, Junie." Jim listens to my hints throughout the year: "I really loved the Dunkin' Donuts gift card you gave me last year. I could use some warm socks, but not stupid ones and nothing pink. I need candles for the living room, but they can't be stupid ones and nothing pink. I'd like the CD to "Chicago" but not the revival, the original with Chita Rivera - and make sure you don't pay for shipping on amazon.com." I catch him scribbling on little scraps of paper.
Maybe this year I'll get a check.
June Wulff can be reached at jwulff@globe.com
