Exchange Street Bistro has serious Back Bay envy. Cue up the restaurant's website and you hear a soundtrack right out of a cheesy strip club, then a voice-over so sultry you find yourself waiting for the 900 number. The narrator purrs: "Boston's Back Bay has arrived in Malden, where Exchange Street Bistro is now serving seasonal, trendy menus featuring urban favorites and eclectic, edgy dishes. Step inside for a cocktail and dinner at the bustling martini lounge, or perhaps at a table for more intimate dining, and you'll swear you were downtown. Exchange Street Bistro in Malden, a bit of Back Bay that's only 10 minutes away."
Is this the voice of the flirty blonde pictured wearing a spaghetti-strapped black cocktail dress? And what do all those buzzwords add up to? Let's deconstruct.
Seasonal: Potatoes - featured in six of 12 regular entrees and almost every special - are indeed currently in season, even if the likes of seafood Newburg and veal rack feel like January.
Trendy: Bruschetta and satay. Beyond that, see seafood Newburg and veal rack.
Urban favorites: Beyonce? Or perhaps they mean the three-way tuna. Wait, that's trendy.
Eclectic, edgy: Mashed potatoes with goat cheese and scallions, mashed potatoes with sour cream and chives, buffalo as part of a tapas plate.
Bustling: On a Saturday, quite. On a Thursday, not so much. The cavernous space would be a challenge to fill on a weekday.
Only 10 minutes away: Minus time for getting lost (thanks, MapQuest), it still takes more than 10 minutes to get here. From Somerville. Maybe they mean 10 minutes by T; the night we try that, the MBTA is busing people from Haymarket.
But my real quibble with Sultry Narrator is: Do we really need a bit of Back Bay outside of Back Bay itself? It's not exactly the neighborhood that comes to mind when I think "exciting dining." Exchange Street Bistro wants to spice up Malden, and that's great. But to do that, it just needs to be itself. What owner John Carlino and chef Enrique Paniaqua have created is a bit of Malden in Malden, a city that has enough going for it (including a growing dining scene) that it doesn't have to aspire to be someplace else. Exchange Street Bistro succeeds at what's most important: It's zero minutes away.
After that, it's a mixed bag. The front of the restaurant features sleek booths and a bar turning out well-made cocktails; some are of the fruity variety that exist to get a chick lit, but some are decidedly unfroufy. (A "house secret recipe" sangria, however, tastes like Manischewitz with a few teaspoons of cinnamon thrown in.) It's all stylish enough. But the back half of the restaurant is filled with booths closed in by high-sided walls, little padded cells upholstered in eye-crossing patterns and lighted from underneath. An out-of-place mural of an English hunting party covers one wall of a private room.
Patrons encompass women with badly done extensions and too-tight tops, average Joes, and daters pre- and post-first marriage; one night we spot a man clad all in white with a white fedora, accompanied by a woman all in black with a black fedora. Long live the '80s. The staff includes adorable 20-something waiters quick with a quip and fond of flirting with female customers. (Exchange Street Bistro has "girls' night" written all over it.) But there are also waiters who seem to have trained at a crusty old-school steakhouse; they'll give you guff if you don't finish your food.
And you might not, especially if you order "The Big Chop." At 20 ounces, this cliff of pork is so big the green beans underneath it are flattened by its weight. It's also dry as a bone at the center and slightly more flavorful than chalk. Broccoli rabe and provolone spring rolls are greasy and bitter. The eggplant in a so-called eggplant napoleon is the Spam of the vegetable world, so doctored with filler you can hardly taste the eggplant. The sauce on the noodles it's served with is cloyingly sweet; close your eyes as you eat it and you can almost taste the inside of a can. It's a dish you might get at a cafeteria, while The Big Chop seems like one created for a classy mid-century banquet.
On the other hand, that three-way tuna is a dish to order, served grilled, pan-seared, and tartare, with wasabi cream and pickled ginger. When it's cooked, it's cooked well; it comes with a scallion pancake that tastes a lot like grandma's latkes. The seafood Newburg has a retro allure, mainly shrimp and scallops swimming in a woozy bath of cream and sherry. Grilled chicken seems more roasted than grilled; the dark meat parts are juicy, though the white meat is dry. There's nothing wrong with an appetizer of calamari, and crab cakes are a totally solid rendition. (No nachos here - Exchange Street Bistro has loftier goals than pub food.)
For dessert, drunken bananas - sautéed with rum and served with coconut gelato - taste exactly like Coppertone (we couldn't place which SPF). But strawberry shortcake is excellent, with giant, perfect berries and fluffy cake; vanilla bean and chocolate chip bread pudding is comfortingly sweet and warm, very vanilla in a positive way.
Every city should have a place where people can gather in style, perhaps for a few cocktails without having to buckle in for a long drive home afterward. Exchange Street Bistro is clearly good for Malden. But that doesn't mean we should say it's good, for Malden. Why should smaller cities have lower expectations? Exchange Street Bistro needs to hit more and miss less. When it can do that, step inside. You'll swear you were in downtown Malden.
Devra First can be reached at dfirst@globe.com.
