Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
For years, producer Michael Bay has been rumored to be working on a horror movie inspired by the Ouija board, you know, something subtle to pair with his other Hasbro-inspired travesties (a fourth Transformers movie is coming to theaters in 2014!). But Bay simply won’t be satisfied until he’s fondled and bastardized every nostalgic property from our childhood. Now he’s taking on everyone’s favorite pizza-slinging crime fighters, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or as Bay has entitled the film, “Ninja Turtles.” The movie won’t be released until Aug. 8, 2014, but the producer has already reportedly irritated fans of the original TMNT by casting a caucasian Shredder, dropping their “teenage” status, and implying that the four brothers wouldn’t even be mutants, but aliens. Bay has hired original scribe Kevin Eastman, but his concessions hardly inspire confidence. Considering Bay’s track record, it wouldn’t be surprising if Master Splinter became a rapping squirrel and Krang was portrayed as a rocket-propelled spleen.