Small minded

Critics belittled Randy Newman for his 1977 song ''Short People," a satirical poke at the shortcomings of the vertically challenged (''They got grubby little fingers/ And dirty little minds"). Newman was spoofing bigotry in general, of course, although not everyone got the joke. Now Maxim, a magazine better known for celebrating stature of a more statuesque variety, is out with a December feature on the 25 Greatest Short Dudes of All Time. Sadly, Newman falls short of making the list.

Shortsightedly, so do Bob Dylan, Dustin Hoffman, James Cagney, Al Pacino, and the Marquis de Sade, all of whom (at 5-feet 6-inches tall) are demonstrably short and unquestionably great. If not necessarily every woman's dream date.

So who makes Maxim editors stand up and cheer? Athletes do (No. 16 David Eckstein, No. 24 Doug Flutie). Rock stars, too (No. 20 Kurt Cobain, No. 19 Prince). Toss in a porn star (No. 21 Ron Jeremy), president (No. 10 James Madison), poet (No. 22 John Keats), puppet (No. 6 Yoda), and plutocrat (No. 25 Andrew Carnegie), and you're looking at a list that's one Mel Gibson short of sensational.

Here are Maxim's Big Five, in short:

Yuri Gagarin: 5'2" Soviet cosmonaut and first man to orbit the earth, in 1961. ''Unfortunately, he then turned to Sweet Mother Vodka and started stepping out on the missus," the mag notes. He died in the 1968 crash of his MiG-15 fighter jet.

Naim Suleymanoglu: 4'11" Turkish weightlifter nicknamed The Pocket Hercules. Won gold medals at the 1988, 1992, and 1996 Olympics by being able to ''jerk almost three times his body weight." Failed to win a fourth gold in 2000, though.

Napoleon Bonaparte: 5'4" French emperor and military leader who conquered much of Europe. ''All to compensate for shortness? Well, that's what they say." Head to toe, they might also say, a complex guy.

Spud Webb: 5'7" pro basketball player who captured the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk title and thus ''insured the jumpy superfreak short-set immortality." Retired from hoops in 1997, but you can book Webb for short speaking gigs at 888-883-SPUD.

Angus Young: 5'2" AC/DC guitarist known for his onstage antics and sledgehammer riffs. Saluted as a ''master of the two-chord blare" who ''managed not to choke on his own vomit." Young once described his metal-mates as ''five little people with a noisy attitude."

JOSEPH P. KAHN (5'6")