'Underworld' vamps 'Matrix' look, formula
"Underworld" is a sepulchral vampires-vs.-werewolves soap opera. All the white dudes have damp, longish coifs, and look as if they could front the German metal outfit of their choice. The baldish black dudes seem like bouncers. And Kate Beckinsale trudges through each damp, crypto-European set in swirling dusters and tight, rubberized pants as though she really wanted to play Carrie-Anne Moss's part in "The Matrix."
But as murky and derivative-looking as the film is, it moves with an authority that pummels you into submission. Whether you'll enjoy having this picture bully you is a different matter. "Underworld" is also a romantic drama with the visual heft of a graphic novel. But its sights are so transparently set on franchisehood that cynical is the only way to feel about it. The movie makers are thinking "Matrix," but somewhere before the big climax I started thinking "Highlander."
The action picks up in the middle of an interspecies war that's been raging for a millennium. The lupine Lycans are looking for the ultimate weapon to obliterate the Vampires once and for all. (I was certain that the Lycans' new artillery would do the trick: Their guns can fire daylight-loaded bullets that glow like little tanning-salon bulbs. It's the best sight gag in the whole sunless movie.)
They think they've found their solution in a miraculous young doctor. He's called Michael, presumably because The One was taken. He's played by Scott Speedman, a swimmer type who's even more passive than Keanu Reeves. Michael belongs to a aberrant species: pure human. The Lycans want to turn him into the ultimate Vampire slayer. Looking out for him however is Selene (Beckinsale). She's a Death Dealer -- that high caste of Vampires that kills Lycans dead.
Her relationship with Michael has her fellow Dealers peeved, in particular the aptly named Kraven (Shane Brolly, who appears to be acting from the scalp up). Somehow Kraven has gotten the idea that he's Selene's man, though there's nothing in Beckinsale's performance or in Danny McBride's otherwise overcooked script to corroborate his possessiveness. He forbids her to spend another minute with Michael, whom she's falling for. And who can blame her? Michael's the only person in this movie you wouldn't expect to run into after a Marilyn Manson show.
Selene has also angered Viktor (Bill Nighy), the Vampires' prissy, desiccated, 1,400-year-old immortal ruler. Sure, he's been asleep for two centuries thanks to a medically induced hibernation, but he's awake now, and, boy, is he upset.
He, too, would like his loyal Selene to stay away from Michael. This turns urgent after the ugly truth about Michael is revealed. But Viktor has his own checkered past, which Selene finds shocking. If you're familiar with Euripides, the plot of "Jungle Fever," or any of Archie Bunker's choicer racial zingers, you'll find all this old hat -- or, for that matter, old hate. What would "Underworld" like to tell us about war? The film is written by a former stunt coordinator (McBride) and directed by a former props guy (Len Wiseman, who is Beckinsale's fiance), so the gist of the film is probably just that the bodies should fly (they do) and that the swords should be sharp (they are). With two sides fighting for reasons only they understand, the film flirts with being an allegory, but of what? The conflict in the Middle East? The pennant race? The postponed California recall?
Neither the Vampires nor the Lycans stand for anything greater than their own bellicosity. A crazy back story, lots of rules and a bevy of characters are meant to pass for ideology. That's not how you build a blockbusting movie franchise, but it certainly makes for a decent role-playing game.
Wesley Morris can be reached at wmorris@globe.com.
** 1/2
