81st Oscars 9:53 p.m.

Sorry mom, it's Beyoncé, who will now proceed to have a razzle-dazzle-off with Hugh Jackman. They're performing every song to appear in a movie ever, including from "High School Musical 3." This is the first low of the evening. It's a Vegasy low. I'm expecting to Siegfried and Roy. Céline, perhaps. It's not gay. It's not good. It's not even bad. Just -- how you say? -- off. And I suspect Beyoncé knows it. She's a perfectionist, and it appears she was lip-synching, which I don't think she's done since Destiny's Child. Baz Luhrmann put this number together, and he's been exposed. Most of the songs are terrible. But, really, he's not a live-theater guy, despite those operas he's done. This thing was a conceptual mess (why have Seyfried, Hudgens, Efron, and Dominic Cooper also crowd in Jackman and Beyoncé? Luhrmann needs a camera to frame action then hack it up. Here he crams the stage with nonsense. That might have been worse than anything in any "High School Musical."