Comedy, love, wisdom, and maybe a little tsuris

'Jewish Mother' provides some answers to live by

Actor/comedian Judy Gold, star of the show "25 Questions for a Jewish Mother," with her mother, Ruth, and her two sons. (Michael Nagle for the New York Times)

Actor/comic Judy Gold, who brings her show "25 Questions for a Jewish Mother" to the Calderwood Pavilion starting Tuesday, writes about what she knows. Her stand-up comedy looks at absurdities in everyday experience, including her own relationship with her mother, Ruth. While her career has included Emmy Award-winning work as a writer and then producer on "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" and a role as host of HBO's "At the Multiplex With Judy Gold," her own life as a lesbian mother of two boys made her think about where she stands in relation to the stereotype of the Jewish mother.

"25 Questions," which she co-wrote with Kate Moira Ryan, began as a series of interviews over a five-year period with more than 50 Jewish mothers across the country to see if there really is a stereotypical Jewish mother. But as she and Ryan explored how Jewish mothers define themselves, the play moved beyond cliches to explore issues of identity, acceptance, and love. Questions ranged from whether the women approved of their children's choices to what God meant to them. A book version of "25 Questions for a Jewish Mother," which includes anecdotes and answers not in the stage show, was published last spring.

Gold may be used to asking the questions, but she answered 10 of them about motherhood, the show, and surprises along the way.

Q.Is this show stand-up comedy or theater?

A.It's absolutely a play, with a set script that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. My story becomes the through-line for the plot, but I portray several of the mothers we interviewed. The play . . . was originally called "G-d Doesn't Pay Rent Here," but a producer suggested "25 Questions" has more immediacy. It deals with so many issues parents have to confront with kids: illness, death, being gay. It became a story about acceptance of your child, yourself, and your sexuality.

Q.Your writing partner, Kate Moira Ryan, is not Jewish. Did she come at the project from a different perspective?

A.I asked Kate to help me with this because she's a playwright, but we turned out to be a great team because she's all about structure and organization, and I'm all about the emotional content. That difference in approach may just be how we work, but it probably has something to do with her Irish background and my Jewish background, too.

Q.Why are there 25 questions?

A.We started out with nearly 50 questions, but as we interviewed mothers, some common themes began to appear and we narrowed our focus. A question about what would you be doing if you hadn't become a mother led us in some fascinating directions. Some of these women had hopes and dreams that had never been realized, others had achieved amazing things because of their children. One woman said if she hadn't had children, she would have become a country music singer. A Jewish country music singer? Now that's a little scary.

Q.How did you find the mothers to interview?

A.While I was touring in comedy clubs, we would stop in a town and call the temple and ask if they could put us in touch with some women who would be willing to talk to us. We talked to Orthodox, Reform, converts, you name it. We mostly went to people's homes and discovered women had never been asked these questions before. At one house, a husband sat in the stairwell so he could listen and he told us later, "I've known these women for years and I never knew this about them."

Q.Did the mothers you interviewed embrace or reject the cliches about Jewish mothers?

A.I initially thought I knew what the mothers were going to say. After all, I'm a Jewish mother and I have a Jewish mother, and it's what I talk about all the time, but as we did the interviews, all the labels went out the window. These women had such strength, and were not at all judgmental.

Q.Did you tell the mothers about your own role as a mother?

A.At first I thought I'd just ask the questions, but as I heard these amazing, heart-breaking, and inspiring stories, I realized I needed to open up about my own motherhood and my own family. My boys love me, they love the family they are a part of, and that's something I can be proud of.

Q.What was the most surprising answer you heard?

A.No matter how religious or nonreligious these mothers were, even if they didn't raise their children in the Jewish faith, it was very important to them that their grandchildren be raised Jewish.

Q.One of the questions revolves around advice to children. What was the best advice a Jewish mother gave her children?

A.I found this really funny, because my mother's best advice was "Don't put anything in writing." Can you believe that? But a Holocaust survivor's daughter said her mother taught her to be optimistic.

Q.Was there anything you wish you'd been able to include but couldn't fit into the play?

A.Tons. But that's the thing about writing a play. It has to have an arc and move at a pace. Luckily, a lot of the answers we weren't able to fit in onstage are now in the book. I do have a favorite, though. It's the Asian woman who converted to Judaism. She prepares shabbas [dinner] in a wok.

Q.Do Jewish mothers have any characteristics that cut across all other lines?

A.The common link we found among Jewish mothers is that they have some contact with their children every single day.