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Peter Gammons: The Mitchell Report Song

Posted by Geoff Edgers  January 7, 2008 05:20 PM

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Andy Pettite's apologized. Roger Clemens has sued. And Peter Gammons has written a song. He performed it at Sunday night's "Hot Stove, Cool Music" event. We've got the lyrics:

THE MITCHELL REPORT

I was a Winnipeg Goldeye for two grand a year
Riding high pollutin' buses to Shaumburg, Illinois
I weighed one sixty three, batted two eighty five
Supporting three kids in Topeka and two ex-wives

Workin' winter midnights, dreamed of getting jacked
Tryin' to hit the ball to the warning track
Bought me a Bowflex, drank thousands of shakes
Got a tryout with a scout who said, "it's only talent you lack."
Talent I lacked

Chorus
"Canseco told Mitchell while on the Exxon Valdez
'I can make you millions, help you throw 93
'Bob Heise'd been Jim Rice if he knew what I know'
And there's never been a low as low as Canseco."

II.
Met a street corner agent made a dive for my dime
Gave me 30 pounds of muscle in ten weeks time
Winstrol, Anadrol, no holds barred
And a T-shirt readin' "hammer like a porn star"

Ten bombs in training camp got me Triple-A
Eight more in April brought me big league quail
One custom Hummer, three dozen suits
With my agent-- now a trainer-- along for the hoot
Along for the hoot

Chorus
Canseco told Mitchell while on the Exxon Valdez
'I can make you millions, help you throw 93
'Bob Heise'd been Jim Rice if he knew what I know'
And there's never been a low as low as Canseco."

III.

Then one day I got a call from Mitchell's henchmen
Seems my name showed up where it shouldn't have been
Now I'm back at the Wal-Mart working midnight to nine
Playing beer league softball in lieu of ten years time
In lieu of ten years time

Chorus
Canseco told Mitchell while on the Exxon Valdez
'I can make you millions, help you throw 93
'Bob Heise'd been Jim Rice if he knew what I know'
And there's never been a low as low as Canseco."

gammo.jpg

Tiffany Ortiz, wife of Red Sox slugger David Ortiz, played the tambourine between guitarists Peter Gammons and Paul Barrere.
(Robert E. Klein for the Boston Globe)

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About Exhibitionist Geoff Edgers covers arts news for The Boston Globe..
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