Hilton hits the heights of vanity
First of all, you’re welcome.
You don’t have to watch a single moment of “The World According to Paris,’’ a new Paris Hilton reality show. I pre-screened Oxygen’s weekly, hourlong series, which premieres tonight at 10, and I am here to report that the least repulsive thing about it is . . . Wait, give me a few minutes.
Second of all, oy vey. At the beginning of the show, in her ongoing voice-over, Hilton tells us, “I’m turning 30 this year, and it has made me think it might be time to say goodbye to Paris the party girl and hello to Paris the grown-up. And maybe hello Paris the wife and mom.’’ We’re meant to think that her first two reality series, “The Simple Life’’ and “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF,’’ were youthful whims, while this is her coming of age show.
But what we see for the entire hour is a vain woman who can only behave like a snarky, self-absorbed 17-year-old, making a mess of her mother’s kitchen and her sister’s house and mean-girling every non-rich woman who enters her orbit. When her boyfriend, Cy Waits, catches her texting a guy she once dated, she lies her way out of it with a pouty, little-girl performance. “The baby voice has always gotten me what I wanted,’’ she says in the voice-over.
The show opens with Hilton and her new assistant, Lexie, taking refuge at the home of her sister, Nicky, after her own home has been broken into. Hilton goes out partying, and Lexie must pry her out of bed the next morning to begin her 200 hours of community service “because of a little incident in Las Vegas last year,’’ she explains, not mentioning that the incident involved suspicion of cocaine possession. She proceeds to whine her way through two hours spent painting over graffiti in LA, angry that she’s ruining her favorite shoes and vowing to get a manicure afterward. Later, she will allow the cameras into her bathroom, where she is scrubbing all the working-class dirt off her body.
Meanwhile, Paris is appalled to find out that Lexie writes scripts for porn movies in her spare time. “Thank you for bringing some weird hornball into my house,’’ she says to her mother, who first introduced her to Lexie. Paris is cold to Lexie, and downright sub-zero to her friend Brooke Mueller’s assistant. Divorced from Charlie Sheen and newly sober, Mueller brings her assistant along with her on a shopping expedition and to a nightclub with Paris. “My friends and I call desperate people who crave attention ‘hungry tigers,’ ’’ Paris says in a voice-over, “and believe me, [Brooke’s assistant] is the hungriest of them all.’’
Yup. Make that the second hungriest.