Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, 8 p.m., Channel 5
Remember when this series was just a bunch of kids running around with wands and talking hocus-pocus mumbo jumbo? What’s that? They still are? Oh. Well, remember when the movies looked bad and were deadly slow? In other words: Remember when they were directed by Chris Columbus? ABC is inviting you to relive whatever’s the opposite of magic. With commercials.
Law & Order SVU, 10 p.m. Channel 7
If this isn’t the best show on television, it’s definitely the best show on television where crazy stuff happens and Mariska Hargitay puts on a leather jacket and makes it better. Tonight brings a Hargitayless rerun, in which Stabler, Fin, and a newly reinstated Novak try to figure out who assaulted a schoolteacher.
Pit Boss, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Bad as those dogs are, apparently the owners are worse.
Zardoz, 8 p.m., Fox Movies
In the year 2293, Charlotte Rampling succumbs to a loinclothed, ponytailed Sean Connery. The release year is 1974, and in 2011, it shows. But wow, anyway.
Ancient Aliens, 8 p.m., History
Cowboys shot down a UFO near Tombstone? Seriously?
BBQ Pitmasters, 9 p.m., Planet Green
“Pit Boss,’’ but with napkins and wet wipes.
The Woman With 15 Personalities 10 p.m., OWN
Please let one personality be a cable subscriber who asks when Oprah’s going to figure this thing out.