"Idol:" Pretty, pretty, creepy

"I want to squish you, squeeze your head off and dangle you from my rear-view mirror," Paula says to David Archuleta. In a lot of states, this would be grounds for a restraining order, but this is "American Idol." And while I have to admit that Young David's rendition of "Imagine" was pretty polished, I was creeped out by the little home-video clip of him singing "And I Am Telling You" at age 11 in a hotel lobby. I think I would have run in the other direction.

At least Young David had energy, as did David Hernandez, the former youth gymnast, who surprised me by being my favorite performer of the night. Chikeze wasn't bad. The rest of them - while pretty - were generally lethargic, presumably because they've spent all of their energy playing tennis or driving stock cars or turning cartwheels or, in the case of David Cook, doing crossword puzzles with feverish drive. I don't think his self-described word-nerdiness necessarily makes him look boring, as Simon seems to think. But if he's so smart, why doesn't he see that something needs to be done about his hair?

And why hasn't he learned by now that you Don't Cross The Cowell? I don't think sassing Simon is especially new for "Idol," but it still amazes me that these kids don't learn. Yes, Ryan and Paula make relentless fun of Simon's clothes and pomposity, but Ryan is already rich and famous, and Paula wants to hang teenagers from her rear-view mirror. Contestants get to listen to the harsh-but-usually-correct critique, gulp and smile, and move on. If you need to show up Simon, kids, draw a funny picture, make it into a paper airplane, and fly it anonymously. Or, alternately, sing better. How hard can it be?