A Disturbia of dating violence

THE PHOTOS of the young pop star Rihanna's battered face - allegedly beaten by her boyfriend, the 19-year-old singer Chris Brown, just before the Grammy Awards - are horrifying enough. But even more appalling are the attitudes toward dating violence that are revealed in the comments of their fans. Even allowing for the fantasies many people weave about pop stars, the comments show an alarming tendency to condone or romanticize the abuse.

On the website for Entertainment Weekly last week, readers reacted to a story about the stars reuniting just days after Brown was arrested and charged with two felony counts of assault. "I know what Chris did is horrible but you can't prevent true love," wrote Dee. "Chris and Rihanna, this event shows how much love you have for each other," opined Yulay. Modbabe wrote: "Remember it is her words against his. She may be an abuser herself for all we know. It takes two." Or this from theknown: "I feel really sorry for all of you who are encouraging the destruction of this so cute couple. They should work it out and everyone else should back off and give them their space."

Such evident confusion is common among teenagers just starting out in relationships. An informal survey of 200 teenagers by the Boston Public Health Commission last week found nearly half believed Rihanna was responsible for her own assault - which police say required hospital treatment. Still other teens thought she and Brown were both responsible.

"This whole idea that control and jealousy equals love is very dangerous," said Susan Cayouette, co-director of Emerge, a batterer's counseling service in Boston. Brown's behavior is classic: He may have abused Rihanna before. This time, he apologized profusely, bought her gifts, and promised to enroll in an anger-management class.

Unfortunately for Rihanna, anger-management courses have generally been found to be ineffective in stopping domestic abuse. "Anger management teaches behavioral techniques," says Cayouette, such as counting to 10. "It was never designed for intimate partner violence, which is more layered and complex."

By contrast, the certified abuse intervention programs that Massachusetts law requires for anyone who violates a restraining order involve at least 40 sessions, often in groups of other batterers, and directly confront the root causes of the violence. Anger is often the least of it.

The reality of domestic abuse was brought to public light more than 30 years ago, yet every new generation of young people needs to be taught what is healthy and acceptable in relationships. This education is urgent, because the most common distortion about domestic and dating violence is that it won't get worse.