By Huckabee's example, arguments for isolation
IN 1992, Mike Huckabee suggested that people infected with HIV should be "isolated" for the good of society. As Chris Wallace pointed out earlier this month in a FOX News interview with Mr. Huckabee, the suggestion came at least eight years after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention stated that AIDS could not be spread through casual contact. Huckabee refused to recant his statement, but did tell Wallace he would now "say things a little differently." Somehow, I doubt the rephrasing would have been all that comforting to those tossed into locked wards.
The controversy has done nothing to slow down Huckabee's surprise surge in the polls. Apparently, many voters are not troubled by the idea of quarantine. After giving the matter serious consideration, I'm ready to jump on the isolation bandwagon myself. In fact, I'd like to suggest to the Republican presidential candidate a few individuals and groups he might consider quarantining for the benefit of the rest of us.
1. Mitt Romney. Mr. Romney's speech on his Mormon faith turned out to be a rhetorical high-wire act in which he juggled a bevy of sound bites. "Freedom requires religion just as religion requires freedom." And, "Freedom and religion endure together or perish alone." I love a perfectly balanced epigram, but Mr. Romney might want to fact check these by talking to a few women in Saudi Arabia.
The speech made it sound as if Mr. Romney would do his best to dissolve whatever remains of the separation between religion and government. My call for his quarantine is unselfish. The constitutionally mandated divide between church and state was designed to protect religious freedom, not eliminate it. Chipping away at it is a bigger threat to God-fearing churchgoers than it is to those of us whose idea of a religious experience is reading Us Weekly on the ferry to P'town.
2. Meteorologists. Not all of them. But the ones that refer to 80-degree days in November as "beautiful" and talk about the "threat of rain" in the middle of a drought should no longer be given access to the public airwaves. In his acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace Prize last week, Al Gore made it clear that doom is closer than even the most pessimistic observers thought a few years ago. Our weather has become accutely manic-depressive. Meteorologists have a responsibility to put January heat waves into an environmental context instead of joshing with sports commentators and cheerfully offering wardrobe advice.
3. Al Gore. Since global warming is rarely mentioned by any presidential candidate of either party, his dire warnings don't seem to be having an impact on politics. He's just scaring the rest of us about a true threat to the future of mankind and distracting us from the dangers posed by scripted, politically expedient threats such as "illegal immigrants" and "Islamofascism." I'd sleep better if Mr. Gore were out of sight.
4. Pregnant celebrities. The reproductive habits of singers, movie stars, and rich girls with eating disorders are completely out of control. Tabloids devote so much space to speculation about "baby bumps" and photos of bulging heiresses in bikinis, there's no room for important updates on the Spice Girls's reunion and Amy Winehouse's most recent 4 a.m. crawl through London.
All the pregnancy publicity is creating a competitive breeding frenzy. The only way to bring the birth rate among celebrities into line with the rest of the human race is to quarantine them at the first signs of suspicious behavior such as reduced coffee consumption or eating.
5. People who text message in public. During a recent matinee of "Atonement" (the producers and director of which should be quarantined), a couple people in the audience pulled out their cellphones and started texting during a slow section. I could barely concentrate on Vanessa Redgrave's (quarantine, please!) meaningful gaze long enough to project meaning onto it. If audience members had been talking on their phones, I could have asked them to be quiet or at least eavesdropped.
6. Anyone who doesn't use directional signals. Stories of identity theft and government spying have created an atmosphere of secrecy and suspicion among average Americans. Increasingly, people don't use their directionals when switching lanes or turning, apparently believing it's no one's damned business where they're going. You don't have to tell the people behind you in traffic your Social Security number, but if someone isn't willing to indicate whether they're turning right or left, they should be quarantined.
7. Mike Huckabee. He doesn't believe in evolution. And while he was ready to remove HIV-positive individuals from society, it's becoming clear that he lobbied to put at least one violent rapist back into society before he'd served his full jail sentence. The isolator himself ought to be isolated. Maybe on the Galapagos Islands?
Stephen McCauley, a guest columnist, has written five novels and teaches at Brandeis.
