Candidates to keep your eye on
THIS PRIMARY season, it's anybody's ballgame. Or possibly, everybody's. A guitar-strumming, Baptist preacher whose collection plate once came up empty is suddenly pulling in big bucks and riling the establishment. And a Libertarian congressman from Texas who wants to phase out income taxes has rocketed out of obscurity to become the sweetheart of the netroots set.
But it turns out Mike and Ron are just the beginning. There are a host of other candidates the media have been ignoring who are about to register on the public radar. So here's a tip sheet of stealth candidates to keep your eye on:
Johnny "Buzzer" Giattovanni, the Reefer Alliance
Platform: A little pot in every chicken
Slogan: Party down, dude.
Best quote: "Hey, baby, you're lookin' really, really fine."
Johnny's major foreign policy recommendation is to "sit down with our enemies as well as our friends" and say, "Hey, man, be mellow." He proposes a new Cabinet post, secretary of space, which he would fund by eliminating the Department of Defense. He is expected to totally revamp the Department of Agriculture.
Jamie Winterbottom, the Trans fat Coalition.
Platform: Deep fried chicken is a constitutional right.
Slogan: "Live Free and Die."
Best Quote: "Tell our commander in chef to pull his troops out of my diner."
Jamie broke with the Libertarian Party when he argued that the right to eat trans fats wherever and whenever one wants is a heck of a lot more important than the right to bear arms. In his words, "If you can't boil an elk in hot oil, what the hell's the use of shooting it?"
Theodora Fitz, the Right to Love Party
Platform: A man for every woman is an inalienable right.
Slogan: "Reconstitute the draft - for husbands!"
Best Quote: "Family values begin at the altar."
Theodora's growing constituency of 40-something single women is a voting bloc that will need to be reckoned with. So far, she has been peeling away voters from the evangelical right, the feminist left, and the chubby middle.
Sidney Firps, the Be Nice Partnership
Platform: Reward good deeds with tax incentives and punish bad ones with public whippings.
Slogan: "Nice is nice!"
Best Quote: "Santa had it right: Be good for goodness's sake."
Firps is drawing away Kumbaya voters who think Barack Obama looks kinda mean when he squints. His proposal for a new Cabinet post of niceness czar appears to be resonating with both Christians and Applebee's customers.
Freddy "Freckles" de Luca, the No Child Left in School Party
Platform: Phase out mandatory education.
Slogan: "School sucks!"
Best Quote: "I learned more watching Cartoon Network than in four years of public school."
Freddy, 11, claims that you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that if we abolished public education, we'd have loads of money to use on more important things. Like fire engines and parades. His platform includes a program for transitioning teachers to circus performers.
Madeleine de Luca, the Free Market Education Party
Platform: Put public schooling out to bid on the international market.
Slogan: "If they're so good at math in India, why educate our kids here?"
Best Quote: "If India wants my little Freddy, they can have him."
Madeleine appeals to free market purists across the board. When asked how she factors transportation costs into her plan, she replied enigmatically, "One-way tickets."
RunDJRun, the Gangsta Pawty
Platform: Peelin' caps, rollin' 20s, and cool hoopin' it - in '08.
Slogan: Catch da vapors, cave boy, or knuckle up - in '08.
Best quote: "Pimp yo candy shop, boo; strap up yo biscuit, too!"
Run decided to run, as it were, when he noticed that ballers were banging over sherm sticks. His response was strong and swift: "If ur fiending for a bustdown, man, take yo knot, sho', but take yo jimmie hat, too!" It's a message that's catching on with everyone, especially older, rural voters.
Trixie LeBlanc, Strippers for a Sane Nuclear Policy
Platform: Declaring gentlemen's clubs nuclear-free zones
Slogan: Va-va-va-voom, not ba-ba-ba-boom.
Best quote: "As with clothes, so with nuclear arsenals - the fewer the better."
In an attempt to counter the charge that they are a single-issue group, SSNC recently joined ranks with Ecdysiasts for Energy Independence. SSNC, moreover, is one of the few groups that is openly for global warming. As Trixie put it, "You try working in pasties and a thong and see how you feel about it! This is totally consistent with our stand against nuclear winter."
Daniel Klein and Thomas Cathcart are the authors of "Aristotle and an Aardvark Go To Washington - Understanding Political Doublespeak Through Philosophy and Jokes." 