QUITTING isn't easy. Especially if you're a Clinton.
Imagine a strategy session at Hillary '08 campaign headquarters. . .
Hillary Clinton: "We'd better write a concession speech. We won West Virginia, but Edwards endorsed Obama, and we keep losing superdelegates."
James Carville, adviser: "Dang fools - ain't nothin' super about 'em. Well, let's prime the pump for 2012. Hillary, you've gotta give a 'Thanks for the memories' speech that'll make Democrats say: Uh-oh, we picked the wrong one again!"
Mark Penn, fired pollster (joining by speakerphone): "I've got an idea. And it has nothing to do with the campaign owing me $4.5 million. Instead of renting an expensive hall for the concession speech, let's just e-mail it to the media."
Bill Clinton: "No, we gotta do something that says, 'The Clintons Were Here.' Like when I left office - I took furniture and rugs outta the White House and piled them on a truck like 'The Beverly Hillbillies.' You gotta send a message. Say something like: 'I concede the nomination battle, but I will never surrender.' "
Chelsea Clinton: "Uh, shouldn't you sound more - gracious?"
Carville: "Good point. Score one for the amateur. Yep, act gracious, Mrs. C - so voters feel guilty about rejecting you. But don't overdo it. As we say in Louisiana, gracious is just another word for loser."
Bill: "Brilliant - triangulate the gracious thing with a guilt thing."
Chelsea: "But that's not - "
Carville: "And add a twist of get-even. But be subtle, like this: 'Some Clinton folks abandoned me. But I don't think of Bill Richardson as a Judas. He was just being opportunistic. And Robert Reich, another ingrate, blahblahblah.' "
Bill: "And praise the loyalists. Like me. I went to all those rinky-dink towns, talkin' until I couldn't think straight. You wouldn't believe how many kind ladies invited me to come and sit a spell at their homes."
Long, awkward silence.
Hillary: "Anyway. . . I'll be gracious and humble. Nobody can outgracious me. But let's also set impossible expectations for Obama so later we can say, 'Toldya so.' "
Bill: "Right, lay the groundwork for some quicksand."
Carville: "Just say, 'I'm confident Barack will unite the country and denounce those who are anti-American, like his wife, his crazy pastor, and his Weatherman bomber friend.' "
Chelsea: "Um, wouldn't that sound a little harsh?"
Carville: "I admire your naiveté, dear. But let me give you a little history lesson: The last 20 Democrats who graciously dropped out never got elected."
Pollster Penn: "But, Hillary, don't say anything to cause a backlash and make it harder to raise money."
Carville: "Backlash is beautiful. Sound-bites gotta have bite. But the speech shouldn't be 'just words.' We need visuals - like, throwing in a towel. TV would eat that up. Political Props Hall of Fame, baby!"
Hillary: "But throwing in a towel would look so final. What if Obama implodes?"
Carville: "Hmm. Well, since entering a race means 'throwing your hat in the ring,' why not pull a hat out of a ring? If things change, you can throw it back in."
Bill: "And when you're campaigning for Obama, wave the hat at the crowd. We'll get ringers to shout, 'Throw it back in, Hillary!' "
Hillary: "Wonderful. I'll smile, and point at them with my finger-jabbing gesture."
Chelsea: "Mom, it doesn't sound like you're ready to quit."
Hillary: "Why should I? I'm the electable one. Hard-working white people love me."
Carville: "Even lazy white people. My moonshine-swiggin' cousins adore you! Although one confuses you with Martha Stewart."
Bill: "Hillary, maybe you should stay in the race. What have you got to lose?"
Chelsea: "Dignity?"
Carville: "Dignity and four bucks will get you weird coffee at
Hillary: "People respect the not-quitting thing. It's very popular."
Bill: "So we agree on our exit strategy: Pull a hat out of a ring, and keep the hat."
Pollster Penn: "And don't buy an expensive hat. It's just symbolic."
Hillary: "Let's pass the hat at rallies - donations for the 'Don't Quit' campaign."
Chelsea: "Well, good luck, everyone. I'm leaving the campaign to go work in the real world."
Carville: "We will miss you, dear - even though you know nothin' about politics."
Chelsea: "Thanks, I concede that."
Todd Domke is a Boston area Republican political analyst, public relations strategist, and author.
