You light up my console, human robot

WHEN IT comes to lessons in love, we don't usually turn to robots. No, we're more likely to consult with gurus d'amore like Dr. Phil or eHarmony CEO Neil Clark Warren.

But all that changed once WALL-E and EVE came into our lives - "Robots who teach humans how to be human again," as the folks at Pixar tell us.

Heck, when reviewers of this summer's megahit gush with a line like, "WALL-E and EVE project more humanity and genuine emotion than most human characters I've seen in films lately," we have to sit up and take note, especially considering the shape our love lives have been in lately.

Yet, truth to tell, we are beset by nagging doubts that computer-generated automatons can actually "know" anything about human emotions, love included. That's probably because we've been reading too many philosophy books, although Dr. Phil - and our significant others - think the real reason is that we are emotionally blocked.

The idea of a pair of robots who display all the behaviors of a couple of humans in love (not to mention a pair who can teach humans a thing or two about love) raises an intriguing philosophical question about consciousness. If WALL-E and EVE have all the moves of love - attraction to each other, a tendency to bill and coo, a loopy smile when they're together - can we say they're actually in love?

Well, it's certainly fun to think so, but the 20th-century British party pooper and philosopher C.D. Broad would say, "No way!" Because robots don't have the qualia of people in love.

Say what?

Broad coined the word "qualia" to mean the "what-it's-like" quality of our experience.

No list of all the information in the world about the properties of a rose would ever convey to someone else what it's like to smell one. Ditto for what the taste of Valentine's Day candies is like.

So Broad would undoubtedly say that WALL-E and EVE may display all the behaviors of someone in love, respond in love-like ways to appropriate stimuli, process the information of love in the same way a human being in love does - but they still wouldn't be referring to the same thing as human beings do when they say, "We're like soooo in love."

The following scene, found on the cutting-room floor at Pixar, illustrates Professor Broad's point:

WALL-E: Was it good for you too, EVE?

EVE: Ohmigod, yes, WALL-E. It was wonderful. It's always wonderful, WALL-E.

WALL-E: Uh . . . I know you must have had other relationships, Sweet Lips, and I'm a fool to bring this up, but I'm just hoping ours compares, you know, favorably.

EVE: Of course, darling. I've never known love like ours.

WALL-E: I feel the same way! Tell me what you feel, Angel Face.

EVE: Well, my numbers skyrocket when we're together.

WALL-E: Yeah, yeah, I know, mine too. But what does it feel like for you?

EVE: I behave atypically, WALL-E. I block out my other software.

WALL-E: Yes, yes, I understand, my pet. But what is this crazy thing called love? Can you name it? Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?

EVE: Robots are like human males, WALL-E. We're not good at talking about our feelings.

WALL-E: For godssake, EVE! I don't think you really love me.

EVE: Of course I love you, WALL-E. All my bulbs light up when I see you waddle into view.

WALL-E: That's just a mechanical thing, EVE! I can get a mechanical reaction from a pinball machine!

Don't you see? It's your love I want! Oh, heck, I'll catch you later. I'm going out to get a lube job with the boys.

EVE: (sighs) I'll be here, WALL-E. I guess I'm just programmed that way.

Daniel Klein and Thomas Cathcart are the authors of "Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar," recently released in Penguin paperback. .