The final statistical breakdown

NOW THAT the voting tally is in, we at Statitronics are getting down to analyzing the real numbers: Who actually voted for Barack Obama? What are their do-or-die interests? Whose president is Obama anyhow?

It's not all black and white, gay and straight, the disabled and the non-disabled. It goes far deeper than that, straight into the heart of Niche America.

The numbers:

Surprisingly, plumbers named Joe preferred Senator Obama by a margin of five to one. Unfortunately, this statistic was not captured in 2004. It should be noted, however, that car salesmen named Smiling Al voted overwhelmingly for President Bush that year.

Although it is clear that the composite nonwhite-gay-disabled voter polled 100,000 to 1 for Obama (the sole outlier being Sandy Gomez, a one-armed Hispanic cross-dresser who hit it big with his Palin routine), white straight voters with at least two arms also favored Obama, 51.638 percent of the time.

And indeed, while socialist-Muslim/atheist-terrorists supported Obama at a crushing 92.6 percent rate, the free-market-devout-Shinto-pacifist vote also favored Obama at a surprising 10 to 1.

Sixty-four percent of voters interviewed in exit polls agreed with the statement, "It makes no difference to me whether a candidate is black or white or green." This figure, up from 57 percent in 2004, correlates with a sharp rise in votes for the Green Party, leading analysts to speculate that some voters may have been misled by the party label.

Our cross-reference desk discovered a surprisingly perfect numerical correspondence between the voting patterns of Midwestern skydivers, serial adulterers, and vegans. Coincidence?

Interestingly, 77 percent of unmarried Midwestern skydivers remained undecided until voting day.

Less surprisingly, 91 percent of serial adulterers remained undecided while voting.

Voters named Bill Ayers tended to write in the name "Bill Ayers" at a rate more than double that of the general population.

The so-called "Palin factor" seemed to cut both ways, with Democrats and independents generally reacting negatively to the Alaska governor and social conservatives voting "You betcha."

According to one noted presidential historian, more Democrats voted for Senator John McCain this year than voted for Republican Winfield Scott in his unsuccessful race against Franklin Pierce in 1852, although the relevance of this statistic is not entirely clear.

In exit polling, voters who knew how to pronounce "Ahmadinejad" correctly were twice as likely to remember who they voted for.

But in that same sample, 100 percent of voters who believed that the names "Obama" and "Osama" were interchangeable remembered exactly who they voted for.

Seven out of 10 Airedale and Labrador retriever owners who actively hate cats and wouldn't touch a bowl of sorbet with a 10-foot spoon voted for McCain, while people with allergies to long-haired animals of any kind voted for Obama by a significant margin - 4 percentage points (margin of error: 4 points).

Alaskans cast 61.5 percent of their votes for McCain/Palin and 36.2 percent for Obama/Biden. Most of the remaining 2.3 percent were write-ins for the Bull Moose Party.

Interestingly, 98.3 percent of voters who were still undecided on the morning of the election were unable to find their polling place.

Voters named Mickey Mouse, including those who were able to produce current passports showing that name, were largely turned away at the polls, raising troubling questions of vote suppression.

Daniel Klein and Thomas Cathcart are the authors of "Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy through Jokes."