YOU CAN'T HELP but notice: Everybody on the road, except you and me, is in a really bad mood. It's not because of the economy or road rage. The problem is one law and zillions of pedestrians.
It used to be that pedestrians in Massachusetts were only allowed to cross streets if they were quick on their feet. The pedestrian had almost enough time to cross the street, but only after pushing a cast-iron button 27 times.
So who decided that this system wasn't working perfectly? Somebody who wrote the pedestrian crossing law. Now you can't drive a block without an uppity pedestrian expecting you to stop. Which is how I ended up getting invited to pull over by a police officer, who educated me that "things have changed." This is a pedestrian crosswalk, she explained. You must stop if anyone is in it. Incidentally, I think officers should remove their guns from a driver's eye level before chatting. It just seems a little unfriendly-like.
Anyway, if a pedestrian is in the crosswalk, you must stop. I get that. I do that religiously, honest. But now that this law is a few years old, we need a little review. A few amendments.
Let's start with the basics. The pedestrian must have at least a toe in the crosswalk itself for me to stop. If they are just standing near the crosswalk I am not going to stop. If there is a speeding car behind me, do I have to stop even though I know that car will speed around me, defeating my good intentions? No. Do I have to stop for groups of teenagers who are going to make faces at me as they cross and then laugh hysterically? No. This does bring up Why I Need A Fire Hose In My Car, but let's not get off topic. If you, the walker, are talking on a cellphone, do I have to stop? No.
Around the neighborhood - and maybe the scourge hasn't hit your town yet, so start planning - you'll get to make amendments of your own. Let's say the pedestrian about to cross is wearing stilettos and walking an elderly dog. Do you have to stop? No. The people who cross at the same time every day, and don't wave to say thank you, like it might kill them? Do not stop.
My favorite is the young woman with the stroller and the cellphone. She is not paying attention to anything. You must stop, but then you can wait until she is right in front of you and lean on the horn. Oops! Mommy said a bad word.
Boston is a wonderfully walkable city, so some amendments must apply to drivers. If someone looks late for work and they need to cross the street to get to the bus, you must stop. If you don't, it's a $100 fine, plus you have to give the person a ride to work.
The police may disagree with you about these finer points. But what if we gave them some new categories of Things They Can Ticket. That's right: moving violations for pedestrians. The person who never waves thank you, for example? $50 fine. People who stand near a crossing but don't cross, who are just standing there for no good reason, get a $25 fine.
Other countries are really good at this. In places like England, they even name their many different pedestrian crossings after animals like zebra, puffin, pelican, and pegasus. None of these animals actually exists in England, having been of course run over by cars. In Australia, they have zebras, emus, wombats, and koalas. All these crossings differ from ours in that they actually work. You get warning signs that there is a crossing ahead. The road is painted with big zigzags and the crossings have big flashing lights. Instead, we have a tiny yellow sign and a little stripe across the road, both invisible at night or when it snows. I got a warning. Next time, Officer, I promise to stop. And where did you get those stilettos?
Monique Doyle Spencer is author of "The Courage Muscle: A Chicken's Guide to Living With Breast Cancer." 
