Have extra money to invest? Try a load of TRIPE

Thanks for coming, everyone. We appreciate your interest in investing, especially given how difficult the last decade or so has been. Between Pets.com and McMansions marketed to Wal-Mart greeters, we’ve all invested in some shoddy ideas. And sure, we too have been surprised lately to see Facebook valued at $100 billion, or LinkedIn trading at 750 times earnings. But don’t worry about a bubble. Because here at LegerDo main, we’ve learned from our predecessors’ mistakes, and we’ve developed a product that’s truly revolutionary.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you TRIPE.

TRIPE stands for Transpositional Regionally Integrated Personalization Engine, and we think it will revolutionize the way you live, eat, breathe, talk, and function. Without TRIPE, you’re just another human being, an obsolete bundle of nerves capable of little more than crudely sensing your environment and communicating with other, similarly unimpressive humans. With TRIPE? The sky’s the limit.

TRIPE is social media, cloud computing, and a mobile-technology platform all rolled into one, multiplied by a sturdy B2C dynamic network interface and raised to the power of your imagination. It’s like this: Let’s say you’re standing next to someone in line at the coffee shop. They’re cute. Imagine an app that allows you to instantly connect personally with this individual - and not only that, but to connect to other users who have connected with this individual, and to view their ratings, reviews, and photos of him or her. What had been a thoroughly unsatisfying pre-technological task - introducing yourself and striking up a conversation - becomes a fun experience on your mobile phone.

But that’s not all. TRIPE also utilizes some of the best image-recognition software around. Let’s say you’re picking apples, and you use TRIPE to take a picture of one. The second you do so, TRIPE will provide you with links to Apple computers, apple pie distributors, manufacturers of apple-picking equipment, how-to guides for drawing realistic pictures of apples, and thousands of downloadable apple-centric mobile apps. What had been a boring, pointless day picking fresh fruit in the crisp New England air is now a productive journey into everything the mobile Web can provide, apples-wise.

It’s clear that our technology is transformative. As you may have heard, we raised $1.6 trillion from select venture-capital investors during the happy hour we held last Friday at the Uno’s in Waltham. But it’s expensive to run a company like ours. Overhead is enormous, between the wave pool in our break room (let alone the free surfing lessons for employees) and the different sushi chef we fly in from Japan every day for lunch.

Our IPO will let us do more. We know lots of startups are clamoring for your attention, so we appreciate your getting to know our product. Don’t buy shares in another flashy, all-sizzle-but-no-steak software solution consisting of nothing but fancy buzz words. Instead, choose the world’s first P2P engagement Web 3.0 interface to fully synergize the app-user relationship. Choose TRIPE.

Jesse Singal is a frequent contributor to the Globe. He can be reached at jessesingalglobe@gmail.com, or followed on Twitter at @jessesingal.