Correctiquette

Ready to improve someone's language? Hold on.

The aphorism "It's better to be kind than right" appears everywhere from T-shirts to wall hangings, but maybe it should be printed on the first page of English-usage manuals. Nowhere is the urge to be right more powerful, it seems, than when it involves other people's language.

We've all encountered it, and we've all felt the compulsion to perform it - the quick aside ("Um, don't you mean infer?"), the snarky online comment that ignores the substance of an argument in favor of pointing out a misused "that" or "which." Some people proudly travel the country "correcting" road signs and billboards.

If you judge these correctors by their presumed intent - a helpful and permanent improvement in another person's language - then most fail miserably. Why, then, do we do it? And when should we, if ever?

I should say, right up front, that there are a few situations where you are not only permitted but required to correct someone. When you are a professional copy editor hired for the job. When you are someone's mother (and that "someone" cannot yet legally vote). When you're grading papers. When a close friend hands you a cover letter to polish.

Even when you're not being asked, sometimes there are clear reasons to jump in. Is the person mispronouncing the name of another person in the room, especially yours? Is the person using a term, consciously or unconsciously, known to be offensive to people in the immediate vicinity, including you? (Remember that it can be even more offensive to "protect" others from supposedly offensive language: let the "girls" decide for themselves if they are offended, please.) Is the person using a word that means something quite different in the current context?

Outside of those narrow categories, it gets a bit more iffy. If the person's meaning is perfectly clear, realize that what you're really criticizing is their style - and style, or taste, is pointless to argue over. Be honest with yourself: Do you really care about helping the other person, or do you just want the thrill of being right?

There are plenty of good reasons to stay out. For one thing, the "rule" you know and cherish may be little more than an old teachers' superstition. Is "forte" really pronounced "for-tay"? You might be surprised. Is the word you think "isn't a word" actually listed in the dictionary (impact as a verb, I'm looking at you), with a usage history going back decades, if not centuries?

You're certainly allowed to be irked by the word "incent," the pronunciation of "nuclear" as "nucular," or someone's incessant use of "you know," you know? But you're better off filing these annoyances in the same category as being irritated by someone's perfume, their habit of snapping their gum, or answering the telephone with "Yeah?" If it really bothers you, you can have a short conversation couched in terms of your needs, not their inadequacy. ("I think that 'motivate' is a more effective word than 'incent.' Can we use that?")

If the offender is a co-worker, it helps to have a house style to point to. "Both flammable and inflammable are used to mean 'easily set on fire,' but here at Highly Toxic Chemicals, Inc., we use flammable." If the correctee is your spouse, think about whether this is something you want to spend your marital capital on. Which would you prefer: that your husband or wife take out the garbage, or not say "between you and I"?

There are also subtler ways to correct. When your 3-year-old talks about seeing three sheeps, you don't burst out with "Well, Johnny, the plural of sheep is actually 'sheep'!" You reassuringly reply, "Three sheep! How exciting!" You can do the same with adults; Bob says, "Irregardless of the current economic climate {hellip}" and you say "Yes, Bob, I agree that we should push forward regardless of the current economic situation." But remember that any tinge of ironic emphasis in your correction will backfire.

Online, of course, the urge to correct someone is magnified: The intermediaries of keyboard and screen seem to lend correctors a bravado they might lack in real life. So ask yourself: will posting a comment just to tell someone they misspelled "contiguous" really win anyone over? If you are correcting someone else just to prove yourself the smartest guy in the room, that automatically disqualifies you from the contest. Most annoying guy, maybe.

Blurting out a correction of someone else's language, whether in person or online, may prove that you remember the rule about when to use "nauseated" and when to use "nauseous," but it also usually proves that you don't know when to talk and when to listen. The rules of English usage change; the rules of being a decent human being don't.

And don't forget that, due to the capricious nature of the universe, corrections of someone else's speech or writing are more than likely to contain errors themselves - and set you up for others' glee the next time you make a mistake. Chief Justice John Roberts is known as a stickler for the "rules" of English - and guess who mangled the oath of office with the whole world watching?

Erin McKean is a lexicographer working on a new online dictionary. She blogs at www.dictionaryevangelist.com. Jan Freeman will return in March.