'Real Housewives of Gomorrah!'
Never before revealed: the deep history of reality television
(Victor Juhasz for The Boston Globe )
The phenomenon of reality television, in which ordinary people are shown in unscripted dramatic situations, is generally assumed to have begun in earnest in the late 1990s. However, a deluge of recent findings is forcing scholars in the field of Reality Studies to push their timelines back hundreds if not thousands of years. Dr. Arvid Jokum of Helsinki University has recently published a groundbreaking work entitled “Virkeligheten Ytelse Gjennom det Historie” (“Reality Performance through History”) that traces the historical antecedents of today’s modern reality television shows. The evidence in Jokum’s account is convincing, from his unique interpretation of hieroglyphics (Jokum asserts they are actually show reels) to his painstaking examination of the architectural record (he theorizes that the numerous bedrooms, ornate finishings, and exaggerated size of Versailles indicate it was clearly built as a set for a “Real World”-like ensemble show). Below, some of the ancient programming he has discovered:
32,008--32,004 BC “Really Bizarre Foods with Dug”
Cro-Magnon host Dug takes the viewer through a whirlwind tour of the bizarre foods of his day. Some early critics saw this show as a rip-off of “No Reservations,” a slightly earlier show in which Australopithecus host Bog shows up “without reservations” at various settlements and samples their delicacies. Regardless of the veracity of these claims, a rivalry between the two shows soon developed. The rivalry literally comes to a head in season three. The two reality hosts meet by chance near a dry riverbed, and a lively debate ensues over who was the original reality food star. The argument is settled, in a ratings coup for both shows, when Dug eats Bog.
21,002 BC “The Mastodon Whisperer”
Lasting only a single episode, this seminal show features fearless Neanderthal host Gwok in his attempt to teach the viewer how to “dominate” the mastodon. Postulating a three-point regimen of discipline, exercise, and affection, Gwok is tragically crushed early in the discipline stage.
6,000--5,994 BC “Real Housewives of Gomorrah” In perhaps the trashiest variant ever of the famous franchise, housewives Agga, Bathfeeza, Damuzi, Humwawa, and Moacheema join in orgies, perform human sacrifice, literally backstab one another, and shop until they drop in season six, when the city and all its inhabitants are suddenly and inexplicably eradicated in a rain of fire and brimstone.
4,430 BC--4,427 BC “The Biggest Loser”
Job and others compete to be the “biggest loser.” God and Satan cohost. Each week, the contestants must sacrifice friends, family, and possessions while still maintaining a chipper attitude. After God slaughters Job’s children, Job amazes the audience with his composure, making his weekly bridge game and getting in a round of golf. The series ends with God presenting a weeping Job with his winnings.
2,000 BC--Present “The World’s Next Religion”
Arguably the longest running and most acrimonious program of all time, the indiscriminate slaughter and rampant warfare make the catfights of “The Bad Girls Club” seem positively cuddly by comparison. In “The World’s Next Religion,” contestants Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, and a host of bit players duke it out for global hegemony. An unfortunate spinoff was “Guess who’s Coming to Save Us?” in which the world waits to see who the messiah will be. Many critics found the show boring, claiming that despite all the marketing hoopla, particularly around millennial shifts, nothing every really happened.
30 AD “The Apostle”
In the controversial first and last season of this turn-of-the-millennium apocalyptic bromantic dramedy, contestants compete to become Jesus of Nazareth’s 13th apostle. Aspiring apostles try to remember the Parables, heal the sick and lame, clean prostitutes’ feet, and generally be all around good guys. The prize ultimately went to Jeff of Haifa, but before he could claim his prize, the show was mysteriously yanked from the air. Anonymous sources claimed the 12th apostle, Judas Iscariot, upset at his suddenly reduced airtime, negotiated an all-cash offer from a competitor to bad-mouth the star and leave the show. In later years, Judas repeatedly attempted to restart his career. He pitched several show ideas including “Judas Sells out the Buddha” and “Watch your back, Ganesh!” but execs at all the major amphitheatres passed.
1515--1520 “Florence Has Talent”
Hosted by Cosimo de’ Medici, this reality game show featured local geniuses Raphael, Michelangelo, Brunelleschi, and Dante Alighieri competing for the title of the Renaissance’s greatest artist. In the finale, Michelangelo sculpts the David, Raphael paints “The School of Athens,” and Dante writes “The Inferno.” All ultimately lose to the now forgotten but then extremely popular Tomaso Kinkadino, Florentine Maestro of Light.
1793 “I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here!”
Imprisoned in an ancient French fortress while awaiting execution by guillotine, Louis XVI and friends get on one another’s nerves while trying to talk their way out of the pickle they find themselves in. The show takes its name from Louis’s final words on the scaffold, “Je suis un célébrité, sortez-moi de là!”
1918--1919 “The Surreal Life” (or “Blue Preposition Highway Finger”)
Contestants Salvador Dali, Rene Magritte, Marcel Duchamp, Man Ray, and Raymond Queneau live in an upside-down house at the bottom of a pool. Nothing makes sense as the contestants listen to their food, taste their music, tack urinals to the walls, and speak to one another in made up languages. Scheduled to run on Frundays at 218 o’clock, the show was canceled after the pilot - and then, paradoxically, ran for another eight seasons.
1941 “Pimp My Panzer” Host Irwin Rommel and his merry band of mechanics travel the North African front, pimpin’ out the Wehrmacht’s rides. Some memorable moments were the addition of bumpin’ hydraulics and a seriously uncovert sound system to a ’42 Durchbruchwagon, chrome detailing and spinning rims on a ’38 Stuka Diver Bomber, and a giant froyo dispenser in the 120 mm main battle gun of a Tiger tank. Rommel was also the first person to install a TV set in the hood of a car - a ’44
Daniel Lehrer-Graiwer and Jeremy Lehrer-Graiwer are writers living in Los Angeles. 
