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The Ideas guide to the World Cup

It’s not really about the soccer

By Adam Grundey
June 6, 2010

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For the next month, much of the world will be obsessed by a single event: the soccer World Cup, which starts Friday in South Africa.

If you’re American, you’re probably confused by this particular global mania. Soccer has no big hits, no flashy slam dunks. The teams barely score — and when they do, it’s not in satisfying increments of 2 or 3 or 7, but one slow point at a time.

But it’s still possible to appreciate what the rest of the world sees in the World Cup. Not by suddenly becoming a soccer fan — if you don’t have a taste for 0-0 ties, you may never really enjoy the game. We’re talking about the rest of the story: Once every four years, the World Cup gives the world a venue for settling old grudges, creating new ones, making grown men cry (fans and players alike), and generally exposing the mutual disdain and bad behavior that underlie our shared human experience. Plus, the fans dance afterward. What’s not to love?

Herewith, a guide to enjoying the World Cup without caring one bit about soccer.

Pick your antihero
Some of the sport’s biggest names are also some of the most odious individuals on the planet. Take Portuguese star Cristiano Ronaldo — blessed with lightning speed, tricky feet, and a venomous shot, he still prefers to spend much of his time trying to draw penalties by executing graceful swallow dives whenever anyone dares to attempt to take the ball off him. In between times, he can be seen strutting around the field, pouting furiously if his teammates fail to pass him the ball for more than a minute. Or try England’s Ashley Cole, who revealed in his autobiography that he “almost crashed his car in shock” when he learned that he was being offered “only” 55,000 pounds — that would be $80,000 — a week for his new contract.

Watch for: France’s Franck Ribery and Sidney Govou, both currently being investigated for alleged “relationships” with underage prostitutes.

Behind every great man...
Chances are there’s a WAG. It’s a term coined by the British tabloid press for soccer players’ glamorous, paparazzi-magnet wives and girlfriends (WAGs, see?). The most famous is David Beckham’s wife, Victoria, the person formerly known as Posh Spice, and the rest are easy enough to spot behind their massively oversized sunglasses.

Key questions in the build-up to major tournaments are whose relationship is potentially rocky, whether the coaches are allowing the players’ partners to stay with them during the competition, and whether they’re allowed to have sex. This year, for example, England’s players are restricted to just one day’s “company” after each match.

Watch for: English WAG Toni Terry, whose husband, John, recently admitted to an affair with the ex-girlfriend of one of his teammates — costing him the England captaincy, and who knows what else.

Indulge your stereotypes
The Brazilians play with a mysterious, inbuilt samba rhythm to their passing. The Germans are ruthlessly efficient and precise. The French, when physically challenged, are kind of chicken.

Normally, these are the sorts of observations that get you sent to sensitivity training. In soccer, they count as analysis. And they’re not always wrong — many teams do embody their nation’s identity quite neatly. The English, for example, appear to have a persistently misplaced sense of their own superiority. Apparently this means they don’t have to concentrate on minor things like becoming better at the game, though they do occasionally bluster their way through.

Watch for: Announcers to describe the North Koreans (ranked 105 in the world) as “well-drilled” and “indefatigable” if they manage to stay within one or two goals of top-ranked Brazil. At least two African nations will be described as “fantastically skillful, but tactically naive.”

Celebration time
Goals in soccer are a rare gift, and you don’t have to care who scored to appreciate the moves on display afterward, from choreographed dance routines (Brazil and Cameroon) to the use of props (Australia’s Tim Cahill boxing with the corner flag). The greatest ever was surely Marco Tardelli’s borderline psychotic episode when he scored Italy’s second against Germany in the 1982 final, then sprinted towards the bench, pounding his chest and screaming his own name. Funny, scary, and weirdly moving.

Watch for: Gymnastic displays from several African players and — at the other end of the spectrum — a sheepish, arm-aloft celebration from England’s Frank Lampard as a misdirected shot ricochets off an opponent and into the net.

The underdog bites
Soccer dredges up international rivalries in a way that would make Mahmoud Ahmadinejad proud. Former colonies taking revenge on their former rulers can lead to some almighty celebrations, as when Senegal beat then world champion France in 2002. In 1950, mighty England was beaten 1-0 by a team of semi-professionals from a tiny former colony called America. Then there are games between countries whose political relationships can best be described as delicate — the USA vs. Iran in 1994, or England vs. Argentina in 1986, not long after the Falklands War. And, of course, when just about any European country comes up against Germany, that little incident in the middle of last century can rear its head.

Watch for: The first-round rematch between the USA and England on Saturday, and Spain’s matches with former colonies Honduras and Chile. Later on, there’s the possibility of a clash of the Koreas.

The fans
Football supporters have a reputation for violence that makes Red Sox rioters look like the cast of “Glee.” In 1998, German fans beat a policeman in France to the point of brain damage, while English and Tunisian supporters tore up Marseille. There were recent reports that English hooligans had been arrested trying to make their way to South Africa through the Middle East — not to see the games, just to brawl afterward.

The majority, though, are there to enjoy themselves, and certain nations excel at this. The Brazilians in particular manage to express their passion for the game with joyous abandon at the World Cup. Japanese fans have developed a reputation for remarkable civility whether winning or losing — the sight of them cleaning the stadiums after games when they co-hosted the 2002 World Cup was enough to make the most cynical hack come over all touchy-feely.

Watch for: South African fans celebrating their first-ever hosting of the World Cup with color, drums, and dancing. Which will only occasionally distract the cameramen from their usual shots of bikini-clad Brazilians.

Adam Grundey is a freelance writer based in Dubai.

© Copyright 2010 Globe Newspaper Company.