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miss conduct
Buddy, Can You Spare a Cup?
Encouraging co-workers' green behavior, plus vegetarian slights and unwilling dancers.
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All the kitchens in my office have free coffee, cream, sugar, etc., as well as paper cups. On the first day on the job, the facilities coordinator gives everyone a mug with the company logo. Clearly the paper cups are for visitors and emergencies only. HR has sent several e-mails urging employees to use their own mugs and offering extra company mugs to those who need them. Knowing this, what is a polite way to tell a co-worker to stop using paper cups several times each morning and to use a reusable mug instead?
A.D.C. in Boston
Who would want to drink coffee from a paper cup if they could have it in a mug? You burn your fingers on the former, not to mention that odd papery taste. But you're not concerned about the quality of your office mate's gustatory experience; you're concerned about the environment.
So say something, in whatever vernacular is most comfortable for you, as long as it's after your colleague has had his or her first cuppa (the undercaffeinated brain doesn't take in information well). A humorously melodramatic "Oh no! I'm the trees, and you're killing me! Hey, why not use your mug instead of all the paper cups?" A bland "I think they want us to keep the paper cups for visitors." A heartfelt "Hey, I've got a real environmental thing going on - for me, would you mind using your mug and not the paper cups?"
Then drop it. All you'll do by nagging is destroy your relationship and give Mr./Ms. Coffee a bad impression of environmentalists. It would be great to talk to management about getting a companywide green initiative going. But you don't need to start a personal one-on-one War of the Paper Cups.
My daughter, 14, has been a healthy vegetarian for five years. Her father and I, both meat eaters, totally respect her decision. However, relatives have asked her, "Aren't you over that yet?" and have asked my husband and me, "Why do you allow her to do that?" My daughter would prefer flying under the radar, but I'm becoming increasingly irritated with their insensitive remarks. How do you suggest we handle this?
R. M. in Boston
You sound like a super mom raising a super kid in an atmosphere of common sense and mutual respect. Good for your family! Now, let's talk about those less wonderful relatives.
I think you should run interference for your daughter once, or maybe twice. Answer any questions that your relatives may have and explain to them that you respect your daughter's choice and would like them to treat her with respect in the future. (It will be more face-saving for them to have these conversations when your daughter's not around.) Then sit down with her to discuss how to balance the value of standing up for herself with that of treating relatives and elders with respect. She may prefer "flying under the radar" because she's not sure what she's allowed to say to Aunt Sue and what she isn't, so give her some guidance.
Right now, she's at an age at which people tend to assume that any moral, political, or religious commitment is just a fad. That will get better, but she'll always have to face judgmental twits in the meantime. A good response to unpleasant questions or comments might be a nonconfrontational "I only discuss my vegetarianism with people who respect it." This works well for all kinds of judgmental questions, whether they're about eating habits, religion, politics, or pretty much anything else.
I began ballroom dancing last fall and enjoy it a lot. A friend who uses a wheelchair has complained I don't visit her as much because I'm out dancing. I've been encouraging her to attend dances with me so we can try wheelchair dancing, but she has come up with excuses every time. She may be shy about it. How can I persuade her to try?
C. S. in Madison, Wisconsin
Wheelchair schmeelchair! Maybe she just has a lousy sense of rhythm. I have four functioning limbs at the moment, but the one time I took a swing-dancing class with my husband, I was so traumatized, we almost needed couples counseling. Ballroom dancing isn't for everyone. The able-bodied often assume that disability constitutes the entire story of a disabled person's life, which isn't the case. Disabled people have plenty of non-disability-related quirks, desires, aversions, and prejudices, just like the rest of us. Maybe your friend's reluctance has to do with her handicap; maybe it doesn't.
Either way, stop nudging her. It's seriously annoying when a friend won't take polite hints and keeps insisting that if you try X, you'll really like it, truly you will - whether X is wheelchair dancing, the Beans-All-Beans-Naught-but-Beans Diet, or scrapbooking. Pursue your own interests, allow her to pursue her own, and find ways of communicating and managing your time so that she doesn't feel neglected.
My Word!
"Swap parties," where participants bring their own serviceable yet unwanted goods, can be a fun way to recycle and socialize at the same time. Books, clothes, baby gear, art supplies, music, kitchen gadgets, sports equipment - the possibilities for swap parties are endless. Appoint someone to be in charge of donating the leftovers to charity (or selling them and giving the profits to an environmental organization).
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
© Copyright 2008 Globe Newspaper Company.
