Mothballs Mixing With Meatballs
How to complain about smelly fellow diners, plus squirrel-chasing ethics and engagement party demands
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Recently my husband and I were enjoying dinner in a semi-upscale restaurant. Halfway through our meal, a group was seated next to us that included someone who had clearly just removed his sweater from mothballs. The odor was so pungent that I could no longer taste my food and even became somewhat nauseated. I didn't feel comfortable approaching the table and thought the hostess wouldn't have wanted to either. We were too far along in our meal to switch tables. Was there anything we could have done?
L.G. in Marblehead
The hostess may not have felt comfortable dealing with the situation, but it is her (or the manager's) job to do so and, believe me, they've dealt with worse. Restaurant staff would prefer coping with awkward situations themselves to having patrons take matters into their own hands and possibly starting an altercation. So ask - but keep in mind that there may not be anything that the manager can or will do. If there are no additional seats or if Mr. Mothballs is a regular patron whom the manager doesn't wish to offend, you might just have to live with it.
I bring my dog to one of the many local university campuses, where he can run around off-leash and chase squirrels (he has never caught one). I often spot the squirrels before my dog does, so I point them out so he can do much chasing and be good and tired at the end of our sojourns. Recently, a man told me what I was doing was wrong. He was quite upset. I feel as if the list of squirrel dangers is long and my dog falls pretty low on that list, given his track record and my supervision. But was I doing something wrong? What should I have said to this man?
R.H. in Somerville
How do you get your dog to look at the squirrels when you point to them? I've been working with the beloved Milo on the whole "pointing" thing for two years now, and he still looks at my finger, not at the thing I'm pointing to.
Hmm, I suppose I just gave away my own point of view there: I don't think what you were doing is wrong. Dogs need exercise, and squirrels - well, squirrels need lots of practice avoiding things, which you were providing. Kindness to and respect for animals is important, but the worst you're doing to the squirrels is stressing them out a little. And squirrels must be able to deal with stress adequately, or else they'd all be dead of tiny little coronaries by now.
But what about the man? Being challenged in a public setting is always distressing, and you have to trust your instincts about how to handle it. Some people merely want to be heard, others may continue to harass you, and then you've got the one-in-a-thousand nut case who is genuinely dangerous. You don't want to compromise your safety or comfort to defend your abstract right to do what you want. (We've gone well beyond squirrel chasing now, you understand. This advice applies to anyone who critiques your legal and permitted actions in public.)
When your actions are not directly impinging on another person (as loud music and cigarette smoke do, for example), it's fine to simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and carry on with what you are doing. If your intuition tells you that the other person might be unreasonable, however, you might choose to accommodate the complainer. You'll maintain the most honesty and dignity by doing so in a way that makes it clear that you are abstaining out of consideration for the other person's feelings: "Since it bothers you so much, I won't do this around you." That way, you're not pretending a change of heart you didn't have, which is both ego-soothing and protects you from accusations of hypocrisy should you be spotted happily chasing squirrels some time in the future.
We were invited to an engagement party for a friend's daughter and future son-in-law at a local hall. Are we expected to bring a gift? I'm confused about what the purpose of all these parties is.
C.G. in Littleton
You're being too functionally minded, C.G. Maybe you work too hard. The purpose of parties, all parties, is to celebrate. To celebrate New Year's, or a birthday, or a life event, or the simple fact that one has friends to celebrate with. The purpose of an engagement party, in particular, is to say, "Whoohoo! We (or our children) are engaged!" Engagement parties are especially nice if the date of the wedding is far in the future or hasn't been set yet. There is all this joy around an engagement, and the joy needs to go somewhere, and if it can't go into a wedding right away, it might find its way into an engagement party. In practical terms, too, engagement parties are an efficient way to spread the news to all the nearest and dearest at once. Gifts are not obligatory at all; good wishes most definitely are.
My Word!
When making your New Year's resolutions, try to be as specific as possible. Research shows that highly specific resolutions are more likely to be kept than vague, grand promises. "Be nicer" isn't going to get you very far - "Sincerely compliment one person every day" or "Write thank you notes within a week" just might.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
