A Thirst for Office Politics
When water coolers don't get replaced, plus bad boyfriend memories and shopaholic relatives.
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In my small office, I am the only woman and the only person who replaces the large jugs in the water cooler. None of the men has a disability that would prevent him from performing this task. Sometimes their guests note that the cooler is empty, and my co-workers still won't replace it. Aside from making comments (initially in a lighthearted manner), how can I get these guys to share this responsibility? I have tried protesting and not replacing it. But an associate from another office, when here on meetings, often ends up doing it, so my strategy fails.
D.Q. in Braintree
Ask your co-workers to change the water bottle when it needs to be changed, rather than asking them to share the responsibility as a general principle. People have a hard time changing habits, but obviously they managed to get fresh water before you came on board, so it shouldn't be difficult to remind them: "Bob, the water needs refilling. Can you do it? I did it last time."
However, remember that in the general scheme of office politics and life satisfaction, who changes the water bottle is not, fundamentally, that important. Don't let this become a huge power struggle in your own mind. As long as you're not generally taken for granted, or assigned all the petty and overlooked chores in the office, it's probably not that big a deal to go ahead and keep refilling the cooler. And if you are, you might want to give serious thought to changing more than a water jug.
I'm a young woman who spent my early 20s with a man 20 years my senior. In retrospect, the whole scene was a crime: that I was just 20 when he moved in, that I was prevented from experiencing the joys and pitfalls of growing up, and that the breakup was so long and difficult. But now a new friend, age 24, has confessed that she's seeing a 51-year-old man. How do I handle this? I want her to run from him, and I would like to castrate him.
B.F. in Somerville
You need to handle this, and pronto, by realizing that your issues are not your friend's issues. If you keep on projecting like a laser pointer at the moon, you will lose your friend - and possibly a good opportunity to reconcile yourself with your own past. Have an honest conversation with your friend and tell her that your experience makes it difficult to be objective about her situation but that you will try. Ask for her patience and help.
Then work on coming to terms with, and letting go of, your own anger. I'm sorry you had a bad relationship - but making bad choices and dealing with the consequences are, in fact, what the 20s are all about. I'm not sure you missed as much as you think you did. You didn't wind up with a child you never planned on. You didn't come back from a war with a missing leg and shattered psyche. Your 20s may not have been the carefree decade you dreamed of, but you loved and learned and lost, and that's as good as it gets. Most people have regrets about their 20s. Maybe your friend's relationship will be one she'll regret, maybe it will be one she looks back on with fond nostalgia, maybe she'll marry the guy and they'll be blissfully happy or wretchedly miserable. But, regardless, her relationship is not about you.
My mother-in-law and her daughter love to bargain-shop at discount stores and garage sales. Often they ask my husband and me if we need anything, and after we say no, they send us big boxes of things anyway. My question is not about making them stop - that will never happen - but should we send a thank you note, even when we specifically told them we didn't want the stuff? I feel that sending a thank you just encourages their giving us more junk.
A.H. in Cambridge
Oh, thank you, thank you for realizing that you will never be able to change your in-laws' behavior. You make Miss Conduct's job so much easier. I do hate always having to tell my readers that other people aren't likely to change; it's the truth, yet I feel as though I'm letting them down, somehow.
But enough about me. No, you don't need to write thank you notes. Not because they might encourage more unwanted gifts - your in-laws' bargain-basement benevolence is almost certainly impervious to any action you might take. But because as a general rule, in most families, informal gifts among close relatives don't call for such notes. Also, your goal should be to keep their annoying habit from affecting other aspects of your relationship. I expect if you feel obliged to make with the nice stationery and flowery phrases every time the discount booty lands on your front porch, you might well start to get cranky with mom- and sis-in-law about all sorts of unrelated matters. A cheerful and noncommittal mention of the gifts during the next phone call is sufficient.
My Word!
You should never feel awkward saying, "I have a cold, so I can't shake hands" when introduced to someone. This is a courtesy that people truly appreciate. The warmest, most sincere hug in the world doesn't convey quite as much care and consideration for others as refusing to touch them when you're germy.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
