Subway Etiquette Is the Bee's Knees
When fellow riders invade your space, plus gifts for shrinks and an ex's explanation.
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Some gentlemen sitting on the train let their legs drop apart so widely their knees extend halfway across the empty seats on either side of them. I've lately taken to using one of my legs to shove the offending knee aside as I sit, but while this is momentarily satisfying, it seems to fall in the category of two wrongs not making a right. What is a better approach? And what to do about the knees that flop over after everyone has been seated? It's frustrating having to cram myself into a seat so that another can sprawl, but as a young lady I fear that flopping my knees open in retaliation might send the wrong message.
E.W. in Brighton
You're being rather free and easy with the term "gentleman," E.W. The spraddle-legged subway sit is not the action of a gentleman, but of a male lout simultaneously arrogant and pathetic. Fellows? No one will think your nether regions resemble those of a Ken doll if you sit with your knees together, all right? Others will think you are, indeed, a gentleman, which is to say someone who understands that we comport ourselves differently in public than we do while watching cable TV in our underwear in our living room. Back to you, E.W. When you encounter the wide-knee gang, a wide-eyed "Excuse me, you're in my way" said in a straightforward but nonconfrontational tone is perfectly fine. Otherwise, use your handbag or briefcase to create a barrier between you and Mr. Wide Stance. Calling others on their bad behavior can be a safety issue, so trust your instincts.
I am about to terminate therapy with a psychologist. Even though I have paid a great deal for therapy, I do feel a gift to express my gratitude is appropriate. Yet I know very little about my therapist and cannot think what would be appropriate. Can you offer some advice?
Anonymous in Boston
I think this is a lovely gesture. More than the gift itself, an accompanying note expressing your appreciation will mean the world to your therapist. They have insecurities, too, and a tangible word of encouragement to look at on a tough day can go a long way. For the gift, keep it small - the point is the gesture it makes, not the object itself. But what should that object be? Something useful yet not overly personal. An attractive hand-thrown ceramic mug is a good gift for someone you don't know well, with or without some gourmet coffee, tea, or hot chocolate thrown in. Or give a gift that is symbolic in some way; explain the symbolism in your note. A dream catcher, if you have talked about your dreams in your therapy. Candles, if your therapist has been a source of enlightenment to you. Or an environmentally sound grocery bag - there are some sturdy and attractive ones - if he or she has helped you deal with your baggage! (These are all nice gifts even without the symbolism.) Be lighthearted but sincere. Don't give something overly intense and "psychological" - no Sylvia Plath poetry or Frida Kahlo prints - and don't give something silly, like fruitcake or Vienna sausages.
My husband of three years recently left me in an extremely cowardly way: He left a note after packing his belongings and leaving while I was at work. After the shock of my life, I am trying to put my life back together. I need to figure out how to address the situation with colleagues, acquaintances, and service providers when the subject of my husband comes up. I had a very awkward situation at the vet's office today. How do you word this in a mature, classy way?
H.W. in Worcester
I am so sorry your soon-to-be-ex was a rat coward, H.W. What a horrible experience to go through. The main thing now - in words and deeds - is to take control of the situation. Give your news to people simply, in whatever language feels most comfortable to you: "We've separated," "My husband left me," "I'm single now," or "I'm getting a divorce."
Then - this is the crucial bit - tell people how you want them to handle it. People aren't going to know what to say or do, so tell them. Do you want not to be asked any questions? Do you want to be fixed up? Do you want a night out with the girls and multiple margaritas as soon as is possible? Do you need the rat coward taken off documents as your (or your pet's) emergency contact? Finally, acknowledge their good wishes and intent.
That's the formula: State the facts, assert your needs, reassure your audience. (This is not a bad formula for delivering any personal news that might make others uncomfortable.) It might go like this: "I don't know if you've heard, but my husband and I are getting a divorce. This is sudden, and to be honest I need my privacy right now and don't really want to answer any questions. I'm doing OK, though, and I know you're there for me if I need support."
My Word!
When teaching children the basics of writing thank you notes, turn the chore into a fun craft project by using stickers and glitter. Writing TYNs can be an exercise in creativity, even for adults - so implant that idea early. (Thanks to the anonymous chatter who gave me this idea. My next chat is this Wednesday at noon at boston.com - come and participate!)
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
