The FOREVER Plan
The secret to staying married 50 years? Listen up.
Robert L. Redfearn, 71, retired house painter + Gracie l. Redfearn, 68, retired quality-control worker at Gillette
Mattapan // Married 50 years
What's the worst marriage advice you ever got?
Gracie: Whenever I heard negatives from other people, I would let them know that I didn't need help from anybody else trying to live my own life.
Robert: That's right.
What was your biggest challenge?
Gracie: My husband used to work two jobs, and sometimes I got lonely for his attention. But when you see somebody trying to provide for you like that, you do what you can to get through it.
What's your secret?
Gracie: You have to give a little and take a little.
Robert: If you marry someone and you can't take anything, then you're in trouble.
Gracie: And forgive. Don't be too proud to say, "I know I spoke out of turn, and I'm sorry." That's just like medicine to your bones.
Have you ever gone to bed angry?
Gracie: Sure I have. But we don't know if we're going to wake up the next morning, so we need to try to get it right before we go to sleep.
Robert: I have, yes, but it didn't last. The next morning it would be OK.
Gracie: That's the good part about it, making up.
Filomena Scopelliti, 80, retired dressmaker and homemaker + Anthony Scopelliti, 76, retired bricklayer
Malden // Married 54 Years
How did you meet?
Filomena: In a dance hall in the North End. But I thought he was too young. I didn't want him. He was chasing me all over.
Anthony: In those days, it was like in the old country. If you come from different parts of Italy, it's no good. . . . If her father could have shot me, he would have.
So what turned him around?
Filomena: He figured out that Anthony was a hard worker, dedicated.
What's the best marriage advice you ever received?
Filomena: When I met my mother-in-law, she said, "My men are hard workers, but they have a hot temper. When you see they are mad, keep your mouth shut. Then when they calm down, then you talk."
What's your secret?
Filomena: Keep your mouth shut and your eyes closed.
Anthony: I don't know. I'm still young.
Seriously, how has it lasted so long?
Anthony: It lasted because we have the same mind. And because I love her.
Robert T. King, 75, retired teacher + Patricia Ann King, 74, retired teacher
Andover // Married 51 years
What's your secret?
Patricia: I don't think either of us ever considered not staying married. We were in it for better or worse, and we took that very seriously.
Robert: My secret is very simple. I was nuts about this woman. I could not do without her, and I've always felt that way.
What advice would you give couples today?
Robert: People don't have as much time today to do things as a family. I would say to parents, concentrate on staying in love. When the kids see that, you're training them to be in love. And that will help them weather all storms.
Patricia: And spend time focusing on the marriage, not just the kids.
Have you ever gone to bed angry?
Patricia: I have. But we survived.
Elizabeth Gehrman is a freelance writer in East Boston. Send comments to magazine@globe.com. 