That Looks Dangerous!
Can you tell someone to put safety first? Plus correcting hairstylists and needling knitters.
|
 |
|
Recently I observed a neighbor and her young children riding bicycles along a busy street at rush hour. The kids were wearing helmets, but the mother was not. I can't stop thinking how foolish this is, as a member of my family was once struck by a car while bicycling and miraculously avoided a severe head injury because she was wearing a helmet. Should I express my concern to the mother, write her an anonymous note, or just mind my own business?
Anonymous in Framingham
This is a difficult question, because you are choosing between the values of individualism (the right to be let alone) and community (good-hearted meddling). Clearly, the mother should be wearing a helmet - not only for her safety, but to set a good example for her kids. As Boston University psychologist (and bike commuter) Catherine Caldwell-Harris put it: "Modeling is all-important. The kids may not understand that the mom should also wear a helmet. Helmets could be a kid thing, like braces. But how long will it take them to chuck their helmets and do the 'adult thing,' once they realize that their mother has succumbed to the old parent trap of 'Do what I say, not what I do'?"
But people can't do everything right all the time. If other people made it their business to take us to task every time we failed to floss, save for retirement, eat five servings of fruits and vegetables every day, or keep up with developments in the Middle East, life would quickly become unbearable. Yes, your neighbor is taking a risk, but it is hers to take. So I lean toward minding your own business, if you can live with yourself. If you can't, then for heaven's sake, don't send an anonymous note, which might sound like some bizarre Mafioso threat: "You got a nice cranium. It would be a shame if something happened to it." Talk to her once, make it clear that bike safety is an issue for you based on your personal experience, and that after you've said your piece, you'll never bother her about it again.
I recently took my 8-year-old daughter for a haircut. My hairdresser asked her if she wanted her hair blow-dried or left wet. My daughter replied, "Blow-dried," to which my hairdresser said, "Blow-dried what?"- basically asking my daughter to add "please." Although I think children should say "please" and "thank you," I am not sure that asking a hairdresser to "please dry my hair" is appropriate, since that is part of the service and cost. Am I being too sensitive or was she out of line?
D.Z. in Boston
You and the stylist are both wrong. The stylist was definitely out of line; it's her job to shape and discipline your daughter's cowlicks, not her social skills. But the idea that paying money exempts you from common courtesy is even more wrong. Of course you say "please" and "thank you" to a stylist or anyone who is performing a service. Not in response to every single question, necessarily, if that would sound stilted or silly, but as a general rule. Just because someone is performing a paid service doesn't mean her humanity went into cold storage.
My knitting group enjoys a number of social activities together. But a few of us don't care for the company of one member. She and her husband are condescending and tactless and have made comments that embarrass and hurt other members. I would like to host a party for the group - is there a way to invite everyone but them?
S.K. in Cambridge
Not without them eventually finding out, there isn't. You say only a few of the group dislike this woman and her husband. Do you want to polarize the group by deliberately excluding someone who might have supporters? (This is already starting to sound ridiculously political and strategic for a discussion of a knitting-group party, but such is life.) Excluding the couple is probably not worth risking the basically pleasant cohesion of the group.
So invite the unpleasant couple to the party and deal with it. Also, get together with some of the other folks who are bothered by the Needling Knitter and talk about ways to cope with her bad behavior. Should you use humor to deflect her? Ignore her when she makes these comments and reward her (with attention, warmth, compliments) when she behaves well? Confront her? Choose some tactics based on what you are comfortable with and what you think will work. And then start standing up for yourselves and supporting each other in your efforts to do so. If the N.K. makes a comment that embarrasses another member, don't leave that member alone to deal with it - give her backup. Bullies are often lazy cowards. If you present even a semi-united, semi-consistent front on this, N.K. will probably change her behavior or else go in search of easier victims.
My Word!
A genius bit of engineering from an anonymous reader: If you have guests who often overstay their welcome, put a cuckoo clock in the room where you entertain. "Now there's a nice conversation piece, as well as a passive, hourly reminder of time ticking away," this reader says. She swears this has solved her problem with late-staying guests.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
