Should Toddlers Go 'Bang'?
Giving toy guns to children, plus broken engagements and knitting a crutch.
|
 |
|
During a casual conversation, my brother-in-law asked how I felt about toy guns for my 2-year-old daughter. I told him I felt pretty strongly that toy guns were inappropriate for toddlers and didn't want her playing with them. For Christmas, he gave her several toy guns and informed me he thought my viewpoint was dumb and that he was "overriding" it. I didn't want to start a family feud, so I put off saying anything. Is it appropriate to tell him not to do that again?
K.S. in Boston
It would be appropriate to return the guns with a note saying thank you, but we do not want our daughter to have toy guns and would appreciate it if you would respect our wishes in the future. Happy New Year!
I wouldn't recommend such outright rejection in the case of most wrongheaded but good-hearted gifts for children, but your brother-in-law is being deliberately disrespectful. He has insulted your opinion and gone against your wishes; you're not the one who's starting a family feud if you stand up for yourself. Don't stand alone, though. Talk to your spouse first about how you want to handle the situation. Taking on in-laws unilaterally is a double mistake: To ignore your spouse's feelings is a breach of etiquette against him or her, and to ignore your spouse's combat advice is a strategic error.
More than seven years ago, my 35-year-old daughter canceled her wedding 10 days beforehand - a most courageous thing to do (and a huge relief to her family). She is now engaged to a wonderful man, and I am curious if a newspaper engagement announcement would be proper this time around. There was an announcement last time. Or do we only put in a wedding announcement?
Anonymous in Boston
You put in whatever she wants! It would be acceptable for your daughter to have an engagement announcement if she's been married before, let alone engaged. (Newspapers don't consider it a factual error if a wedding announced in their pages fails to occur, so it's not as though they've got your daughter on a blacklist now.) And the engagement announcement can be made by you or by her, whatever you both prefer.
And she doesn't have to have an announcement at all if she doesn't want one. Her former plans to marry have no impact at all on what kind of wedding she can and should have now - except to make her appreciate all the more the courage it took, seven years ago, to end a relationship that wasn't right.
My best friend knits at parties. I think we can all agree this is rude, and even she doesn't try to deny it. Before any fellow guests can scurry off to the kitchen to whisper about her, she asks loudly: "Do you think I'm rude to knit at a party? My husband thinks it's rude." She continues knitting, as she believes that acknowledging it's rude gives her a pass. Please weigh in - I'm sure at the next party she'd love to be able to say, "My husband thinks it's rude, and Miss Conduct thinks it's ___!"
B.B. in Somerville
I don't think it's particularly rude to knit at informal parties, actually. (Conferences and fancy dos are another matter.) It's mildly eccentric, but what's wrong with that? People can use their knitting needles to stab up a mini-quiche or muddle their Old Fashioneds, for all I care. Who's it hurting?
What I do find obnoxious is when people take a fancy to some silly little quirk or habit in themselves and spin it out into the major leitmotif of their personality. This is even annoying when the quirk or habit is a good one. We all know the woman who thinks that the fact that dogs like her means that she has a deeply spiritual yet playful soul that only the pure hearts of dogs can recognize. She's wrong, but at least she's trying. But to brag about an eccentricity that you yourself believe to be antisocial - well, how childish is that? What kind of response is your friend hoping for, in her deepest soul? Curiosity? "Who is that enchanting creature with the dancing fingers? Look how the light glances off her needles - intriguing!" Heartbreak? "Alas, you will not put down your knitting for me! Belle dame sans merci, what hope is left?" Envy? "Wow, Pauline is so transgressive! I wish I had the nerve to knit in public like that! She's got the most amazingly big balls of wool."
And now enough beating up on your friend, who I suspect is a very shy person. People who are socially comfortable don't need to take handwork to parties. Your friend is knitting herself a social safety net in case nobody talks to her or she can't think of anything else to say. So help her out at parties a little more, and try to boost her self-esteem in ways that aren't related to her knitting - or her self-congratulatory transgression of social rules.
My Word!
February and early March are great times to entertain. Fewer people have travel or wedding plans, and the holiday surge of parties has largely abated. The nights are long and the days nippy, and people are in need of cheer and good fellowship. So throw a party. You'll get more attendees than you would in warmer or more festive months - and they'll be more grateful, too!
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
