Whistling a Sour Note
When co-workers drive you mad, plus correcting others' bad behavior and profiting from charity.
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I admit I have sensitive hearing. However, I've just about had enough of my co-worker, who whistles constantly. It is distracting, piercing, and annoying. I'm relatively new, though, and am nervous about confronting her. Do you think it is appropriate to whistle in an open cubicle setting?
K.C. in Malden
No, but your cubicle mate isn't doing it to irritate you. She may not even be aware that she's doing it. Which doesn't mean that you don't say anything - but you don't have to call her out as if you're challenging her to a duel, either, so don't let the prospect of saying anything get you quite so worked up.
A simple, "Hey, you probably don't even realize you do this, but you whistle at your cubicle a lot. I thought I could get used to it, but I've got sensitive hearing and apparently I can't! Do you mind helping me out with that?" Your co-worker will probably be quite willing to try to break her habit.
Keep in mind, though, that habits are hard to break (especially habits you don't even know you have). Be willing to cut her some slack in the meantime.
Recently, in my local independent coffee shop, I saw parents stand their young toddler on a nicely upholstered chair in his muddy boots to unbutton his coat. I was appalled that they showed so little concern for the owner's property and that other patrons would sit on the now wet and dirty chair. I gave them a pointed look but was afraid to say anything. Is it ever OK to correct people's inconsiderate behavior in public? Are today's parents so self-absorbed that they don't care about how they are inconveniencing others?
E.K. in Salem
Why single out parents? I've seen plenty of self-absorbed behavior on the part of the childless and childful alike. The top notes are different, but the aroma of entitlement is always the same.
As I've written before, criticizing others' behavior in public is first and foremost a security issue; listen to your instincts and don't ever be "right" at the expense of being safe. When you do feel comfortable speaking up - and I don't think the parents of a toddler in an indy coffee shop are likely to go all Samuel L. Jackson on you - keep in mind what your goals are. Your main objective isn't to make the parents of the muddy-footed boy feel bad. It's only human to want to, but then that becomes about your satisfaction, not about making other people's lives better, and now who's self-absorbed? Your objective is to make sure that no one sits down unintentionally on a muddy seat.
A useful way to phrase an intervention is as an offer of help: "Oh, I think your son's boots are muddy - here, he can stand on this section of the newspaper; I'm done with it" (or "Let me get a server to get you an old newspaper for him to stand on"). If your nice offer isn't taken up, you might want to mention the mud to the staff, so they can clean it up. By speaking up, you may make the inconsiderate parents rethink their ways, or you may not. But you will probably prevent someone unwittingly plopping down on a muddy seat.
My daughter is a petite 5-year-old, and her good friend just six months older is much taller and bigger. The friend's mother often gives my daughter very nice clothes that her own daughter has outgrown. I've asked what she'd like me to do with them once my child has outgrown them. Her answer: "Whatever you want. I'm just glad to get them out of my house." Is it OK for me to consign or sell these clothes? We could really use the money these days. If I take her answer literally, then my answer would be yes, but I feel funny profiting from clothes I got for free.
C.M. in Nashua
I agree that from the sound of it, selling the clothes should be kosher. But it doesn't matter if I agree with you about that, does it? I could buy the clothes from you myself, and you'd still be wondering what the lady who gave them to you would think about it, because she is the one whose opinion matters in this area.
So ask her. The next time she gives you a batch, tell her that you've started taking your own daughter's clothes to a consignment store when she's outgrown them. Ask your friend if it's all right if you do the same with the clothes she gives you or if she'd prefer to get them back when your daughter can't use them anymore, so she could hand them on to other friends or sell them herself.
If you do end up returning them, at least you've gotten however many months of free wear out of the hand-me-downs.
My Word!
Today is the beginning of National Engineers Week. Engineering is a term that has a lot of negative stereotypes and connotations attached to it, which is unfortunate. What engineering is, most simply, is designing things to work better. I like to think of a lot of what I do in this column as engineering. Hug an engineer this week!
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
