Lies at the Dinner Table
Should you reveal ingredients? Plus bunking with co-workers and declining invitations
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At a recent dinner gathering, my sister-in-law asked at the table if the zinfandel rib roast my husband had just slaved over contained trans fats or butter. My husband and I were appalled; he answered no (there was actually one tablespoon of butter). My sister-in-law and her husband are health-conscious and tend to serve Spartan recipes that leave much to be desired for our palate. What response may have been more honest and better suited? (By the way, her husband had two helpings!)
A.K. in Boston
Your husband should have told the truth. Whether your in-laws' diets, and manners, are reasonable or not, they have the right to know what they're putting in their bodies. It's not your place to judge how another person eats and, by withholding information, make decisions for them. If you had Muslim or Jewish friends over, and they asked if you cooked the collard greens in pork fat, would you lie and tell them you'd used canola oil?
If your in-laws are so committed to ascetic eating that they would have abstained from dinner if they'd known about the tablespoon of butter, then they need to improve their communication skills. People who have food restrictions for whatever reason need to mention them before the roast is being carved. Depending on the formality and size of the dinner and the nature of the restrictions, there are many ways things can be handled. Maybe the guests can relax their rules for a night or the host can cook to their specifications or the guests can eat some dishes but not others. But the time to have these conversations is when the invitation is issued, not at the table. (Readers: Want to make the zinfandel rib roast? The recipe is on my blog at boston.com/missconduct.)
My husband and I (gay, middle-aged professionals) will be traveling to attend several-day-long annual meetings with our respective employers. Our companies have asked each of us to share a room with another employee or pay the difference for a single room. Since we have requested private rooms, we will spend just under $1,000. I understand a company's need to control costs, but I don't feel comfortable rooming with a stranger. Is it reasonable for a company to dictate attendance at a function and then require payment for the privilege of a private room? Assuming a shared room is acceptable, with whom should we be appropriately paired?
B.F. in Reading
Your companies are within their rights to handle the situation as they do, and it's not an uncommon practice. I can't blame you for disliking it, though, and I bet other employees feel the same. Really, after the age of 25 or so, who wants roomies? And who wants to worry about whether their pajamas convey the right corporate image? Having employees pay extra for a private room is also offensive, because, while it looks on the surface like offering people choices, it is in fact discriminatory. The burden of paying extra for a single room is more likely to fall on gays, the socially anxious, or people with medical problems who require privacy. It's not the equivalent of, say, a company party where you get two free drink tickets and then have to pay for any drinks beyond that.
I'm a little bit confused by your last question, as you say that you're not comfortable rooming with a stranger but then ask whom you should room with. If you'd gone with the shared rooms, would you have been able to pick your own roommate? You ought to be able to, and if roommates are randomly assigned, that's worth taking up with human resources. It's not going to be a very productive annual meeting if everyone's feeling all weird and self-conscious, which pretty much any grown-up forced to share a bathroom with a stranger would be. If you can pick your own roommates, then ask someone who knows you're gay and with whom you feel at ease. Both you and your husband might want to try to suss out how your colleagues feel about the room-sharing situation. If nobodytraight or gay, snorer or insomniac, lark or owl - likes it, then get a little group together and go talk to HR. Companies that are really serious about cost cutting don't have big off-site annual meetings, anyway.
I received a "save the date" card for the wedding of a business associate's daughter. I already know I will be unable to attend. Do I wait for the invitation to come or let them know now?
B.S.in Newton
Go ahead and let them know now, if you're sure. That might open up a spot for someone they wanted to invite but didn't have room for (or, at the very least, save them 41 cents in postage). If you were planning to send a wedding present, do that now, too; otherwise, you're likely to forget, since no invitation will be coming to remind you.
My Word!
When the announcement is made at a meeting (or play, concert, seance, or quilting bee) to please turn off your cellphone, take a moment to pull out your cellphone and see if it is on, even if you are sure you turned it off - because memory is fallible, and sickly, embarrassed, apologetic grins hurt the face.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
