Brunging Down the House
Do you correct others' bad language? Plus dodging handshakes and dictating party wear.
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My new after-school baby sitter is responsible and my children like her - but sometimes she uses incorrect grammar and speech. For example, she may say, "I brung this over from my house" or use made-up words like "conversate." My 7-year-old has privately pointed out to me that some of the words she uses seem incorrect. Do I say nothing to her for fear of offending her? And if I do say nothing, what kind of example does this set with my kids?
E.L. in Andover
It would set the example that we treat people who have not had the same cultural and educational advantages that we have with respect and dignity. Sounds to me like a good lesson for kids to learn. The next time your child asks you if, say, "conversate" is a word, explain that it isn't, but that English is a strange and tricky language. Because of this, not everyone always gets everything right when they speak or write. (You can point out some of the oddities of our language - "The past tense of 'bring' is 'brought,' but the past tense of 'sing' isn't 'sought'; isn't that strange?" and encourage your children to come up with their own examples.)
Tell your child that what smart and kind people do is to learn how to speak and write English as well as they can, and ignore the mistakes of others. Neither you nor your child needs to make the same mistakes as the baby sitter to make her feel comfortable, and correcting the English of others, unless they have asked for help, is rude and unkind.
I have a disease called scleroderma that has left my hands in a fixed, semi-curled position. I work in advertising and am constantly meeting people who want to shake my hand. Sometimes I put out my hand but after people touch it, I can see their look of shock. I sometimes withhold and just say that I have an arthritic condition and can't shake. How do I do this without being offensive and without having to answer follow-up questions about my health?
M.M. in Canton
Take charge of the situation quickly and decisively. People feel awkward if their hand is just sort of dangling out there, unshaken. So before the other person can even move in for a shake, say something like "I'd love to shake your hand, but I have arthritis and can't. I can get you a cup of coffee or tea, though! Our employee lounge is just this way. Would you like something?" Any follow-up that both changes the subject and makes the other person feel welcome will do. ("You deserve more than a handshake for your great work on the MacGuffin account anyway - more like a medal! How did you come up with that creative idea?")
If people then want to know more about your condition, again, take charge. It's your disease, you get to decide how to handle it. You can say, "I prefer not to discuss health issues in the workplace," in a cheerfully authoritative tone, followed by a change of topic. Or you might want to educate people more about your condition. (This would be a great thing to do, I think, but you certainly don't have to go be the poster kid for an illness you never asked to have if you don't want to.) If so, you could get some business cards printed up with few basic facts about scleroderma and a link to a useful website, such as that of the Scleroderma Foundation, scleroderma.org. If people ask questions, hand them the card and say, "I'd rather focus on business right now, but you can read this later if you'd like to learn more."
My brother's fiancee has informed me she doesn't want any guests wearing black or brown to their summertime wedding. It's going to be a small affair at a casual, albeit lovely, outdoor venue. When I asked her if the very summery black-and-white dress I had planned to wear would be OK, she said it might be time to go shopping for a new dress! (Though she then conceded they wouldn't kick me out if I wore it.) I find it shocking that she'd make demands on what her guests wear, but perhaps I'm being insensitive to a bride on her big day. Should I just go out and buy a new dress to keep the peace?
T.L. in Wrentham
Would buying a new dress really keep the peace, or would it merely transfer the conflict and warfare into your own heart? If you'd feel resentful, then wear the dress you want. Guests should dress appropriately for the venue, time of day, and formality of the wedding, but brides and grooms don't get to reign supreme over the wardrobe choices of non-wedding-party members. Keep in mind that this woman is now becoming part of your family and you'll be dealing with her for a long time. Is it better to give in and be a peacemaker - or wear the dress you want and send a message from the get-go that you're not to be pushed around? This is a call only you can make.
My Word!
If you're getting a massage - and if you haven't ever, you really should! - make sure you're squeaky-clean beforehand. According to a very frustrated massage therapist who wrote to me anonymously (so as to avoid embarrassing her smelly clients), many people do not. As she logically points out: "You don't really want us to rub all that dirt and sweat back into you, do you?"
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
