A Vote for Nonpartisan Parties
Preventing political battles, plus saying "excuse me" and spotting a dangerous liaison.
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My mother and I are organizing a wedding shower for my sister. My aunt (mother's sister) has offered to host the event, allowing us a large entertaining space and kitchen. But my aunt and her family are vocal members of political party X, whereas the rest of the family, my sister, and likely her guests are proponents of political party Y. Family gatherings have often been political battles. My mother suggests that we ask my aunt to "consider her guests" and take down all political propaganda; I'm pretty sure this job would fall to me. Should I make the request of my aunt? Should we have the party elsewhere?
D.W. in Somerville
I'm as uncomfortable as you seem to be with the idea of asking your aunt to remove "political propaganda." It's her house, after all, and "propaganda" is to some extent in the eye of the beholder. I realize you mean explicit political signage, but there is a near-infinite list of things that can be considered political and might give offense to someone, somewhere: a copy of The Origin of Species, a Frida Kahlo print, a fur stole, a stack of Weekly Standard magazines.
Besides, asking your aunt to neutralize her environment seems more likely to stoke resentment than anything. If she feels suppressed, there's a greater chance she'll bust out with some incendiary, or passive-aggressive, political comment.
Having the party elsewhere would solve that, but you say family gatherings often get rancorous around politics. Wherever you hold the shower, you and your mother are the organizers, which means it falls to you to lay down ground rules about civil discourse for all the guests. I'd recommend communicating with everyone in advance that political battles have been an issue in the past and this party isn't about X versus Y; it's about celebrating your sister's nuptials - real family values, in other words. Any political arguments are going to get stopped immediately by you and your mother. (It's your call on how to communicate this message. An e-mail to everyone is equalizing, but phone calls are more personal.) Then make sure you follow through - in a bipartisan fashion - at the shower.
Polite society calls for the exclamation of "Excuse me" when squeezing past someone. My mother taught me the polite response was to say "Excuse me" back. Lately, I've been greeted with a series of responses including "Sure," "Uh-huh," and "You're excused." Did my mother lead me astray, or is this another sign of the decline of Western civilization?
R.E.P. in Boston
Let me get this straight: My choice is to accuse your dear mother of falsehood or to affirm we are all indeed going to hell in a handbasket? Hmm. I'm not sure you play fair! At any rate, it doesn't matter what you say in response to "Excuse me," as long as you say something reasonably pleasant and do your best to get out of the other person's way. Certainly, "You're excused" can sound snotty, but what can't, in the right (or, rather, wrong) tone of voice?
My daughter, her best friend, and I were at a hotel lounge in Boston when I spotted a man I know at a table with a blonde who was not his wife. Our eyes met, and he turned about eight shades of green. He got up, asked his companion to switch seats with him, and, for the rest of the happy hour, had his back to me. What is one to do when one sees someone who acts this way and clearly wants to avoid being seen with a person of the opposite sex whom he or she is not married to? Should I say something the next time I see him?
P.D. in Vineyard Haven
My initial reaction was to say yes, say something. Then I thought - why? You've done nothing wrong. There's no reason for you to feel awkward the next time you encounter him. And your mere presence has already conveyed several powerful messages: that Boston, while larger than Vineyard Haven, is in many ways a small town; that ultimately these sorts of secrets are always found out; and that he'd better end the relationship or be more discreet. There, look at all you've told him without even saying a word!
And if he is indeed cheating on his wife, he doesn't deserve your words. Uncertainty is worse than any punishment. The next time you see him, act cool and amused - let him twist in the wind. This way, you will also save face if it turns out you misinterpreted what was in fact an innocent situation. (It's hard to imagine, given his reaction, but I've read enough mystery novels to know there are always explanations besides the obvious ones for suspicious behavior.) If you have a relationship of some kind with the man's wife, that opens another container of slippery things. But you don't indicate in your letter that you do, so I'll settle for answering the question you've asked and none other.
My Word!
What teenagers wish everyone knew: Life is stressful for them, too. Most teens are dealing with school, extracurricular activities, jobs, college applications, a social life, and a fair amount of sleep deprivation. The stresses are different from those of adults, but no less real. Have a little sympathy! (Thanks to reader Amanda O'Donnell for this perspective. Feel misunderstood? Write missconduct@globe.com.)
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
