Excuse Me, But You're Spreading the Flu
Can you tell bathroom visitors to wash up? Plus unwanted smells and the right pardons.
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Where is the line between meddling and community responsibility when comes to public health issues like hand washing? Specifically, when I see someone not washing his hands in a public restroom, I want to say something but haven't, because I feel that doing so might be out of line. But with the current concerns about MRSA, pandemic flu, etc., these people's actions affect the public at large.
T.H. in Graham, North Carolina
There are two lines, I think. One when you have an actual relationship with the other person. If someone's behavior strikes you as potentially harmful, and you know and care about the person, and he or she knows and cares about you, then state your piece once and never bring it up again. The other concerns someone you don't know whose behavior is affecting you directly and in the moment. In this situation, it's best not to attempt to change the person's behavior but simply to do what's necessary to defend yourself. For example, ask if he or she would mind extinguishing a cigarette in your presence; don't lecture the person on the evils of tobacco.)
Saying that someone's actions "affect the public at large" is something of a red herring. Lots of things other people do affect the community at large: how they vote, what they drive, how they raise their kids (who will grow up to be your generation's doctors and caregivers). We can urge public awareness, such as by putting signs in restrooms about the desirability of handwashing, but direct meddling would soon make life intolerable.
Especially during flu season, I don't think there's anything wrong with declaring a moratorium on handshaking. A quick "I'm not shaking hands right now because I'm so paranoid about all these flu bugs," along with a self-deprecating smile, ought to cover you. Some people will think you're eccentric, but others will be quite relieved and might decide to do the same thing themselves.
We live in a three-floor condo complex and are trying to sell our unit. Six months ago, new tenants moved in below us, and they cook extremely pungent Indian cuisine, the smell of which permeates the entire hallway and our unit. The smell makes it uncomfortable for us to live there now, and I can only assume potential buyers would be turned off as well. Trying to sell in this market is tough enough as it is! Is there anything we can do to address this without coming across as mean?
D.C. in Boxborough
This is a tricky situation. Obviously, people have the right to cook and eat whatever food they prefer in their own homes, and one person's offensive smell is another's delight. If your Indian neighbors are Hindu, they may be revolted by the smell of your sizzling hamburgers. Even pleasant smells may be troublesome - chocolate chip cookies straight from the oven can be torture to the dedicated carb-cutter.
Picking up on the fact that your neighbors are tenants rather than owners, Ralph Smith Jr. of Gibson Sotheby's International Realty in Boston advises: "Explain to the owner the present situation with the new tenants and discuss your concern for the negative impact that any smell filling the common areas and permeating other units will have on your sale price. Encouraging the owner to install a high-powered exhaust fan over the stove vented to the exterior would be a great step toward improved living conditions and higher sales prices for all. A lower sales price on your unit will directly translate to lowering the value of the unit below." The fan seems like a good idea; often, there is an engineering solution for what appears to be an etiquette problem. And bringing in a third party who is interested in fairness for everyone would also keep things from becoming personal. You might want to consult with your condo governing board, as well.
Is there a difference between "Excuse me" and "Pardon me"? When should each be used? My family and I have been trying to sort this out for quite some time.
J.S. in Reading
There is no difference that matters, with the exception that you use "Excuse me" to leave the table (or anyplace else that has become tedious), but not "Pardon me." According to Bryan Garner's invaluable guide A Dictionary of Modern American Usage, "Pardon me" was once used for more serious errors, while "Excuse me" sufficed for lesser sins (excuse me for stealing the last mini-quiche; pardon me for stealing your date). But we don't make this linguistic distinction anymore. Some writers think that "pardon" is a bit of excessive gentility on the part of the striving middle classes - people secure in their social position say "Excuse me" to excuse themselves and "Eh? I can't hear you" to indicate that they couldn't hear you. But this class distinction is more of a British thing, and you're unlikely to be judged a pardoning parvenu in America.
My Word!
An anonymous reader contributes this sensible tip: Hosts and hostesses "might consider sleeping in the guest facilities themselves once or twice a year just to ensure that everything is working the way they're anticipating that it is. It is very awkward for a guest to have to announce that the toilet doesn't flush properly or that the shower is just a thin drip of water."
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
