Should I Spill a Family Secret?
Deciding to come clean, plus excluding "close" friends and over-the-top bridal showers.
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I have a secret, and I'm wondering if I should tell. I have two cousins who live in another city whom I haven't seen in more than 25 years (we are all past retirement age), though lately we've been in touch via e-mail. When their father, my uncle, was 17, he fathered a child that was given up for adoption. I overheard this story as a child, and years later my mother confirmed it and even gave me the name of my uncle's girlfriend and the family who adopted the baby. My cousins adored their father and surely know nothing about this. But they have, or had, a half sister. Should I tell them?
W.K. in Cambridge
I am not a fan of family secrets and believe people have the right to know their biological relatives. But I am also not your cousins, and my own taste for full disclosure is not universally shared. Your cousins' feelings about their father shouldn't change as a result of finding out about this thing that happened in such a very different time - but since when do feelings do what they "should"?
I think you need to get to know your cousins better. This is certainly not the kind of thing you can tell them about over e-mail. Would it ever be possible for you to visit them? Can you at least talk on the phone once in a while (a richer medium that gives you more of a sense of the other person)? Get to know them better, and you'll get a sense of how much honesty and privacy and not rocking the boat and various other priorities mean to them. And then you'll have a better sense of how to go about things.
If I were you, I would have to tell, even if I thought my cousins wouldn't really want to know. My own sense of morality is so tied in to the belief in people's right to information that it would be impossible for me to keep it to myself. I'd tell and risk whatever consequences there might be. But that's my hot-button issue, not yours. If your gut isn't leading you in a strong direction either way, try feeding it some more information about the kinds of people your cousins are, and see what it says then.
This might sound a little coldhearted, but here goes. I am having a party and only want my closest friends there. One close friend attended my party last year, but this year she has gotten obnoxious and really annoys me. All the other invitees are friends with her. So should I invite her and avoid her during the party or should I not invite her and have a happy party but risk her eventually finding out because all my other friends were there?
S.K. in Worcester
Um, neither - and yes, you sound more than a little coldhearted. If you don't invite your friend, you'll not only be snubbing her for reasons she doesn't understand, but will put at least one of your other "close" friends in a horribly awkward position when he or she eventually spill the beans. (Seriously, how do you think that the person who lets news of the party slip will feel when he or she realizes that the obnoxious friend hasn't been invited? Did that ever occur to you?) And no, you don't invite people to parties with the express purpose of ignoring them when they get there. You just don't.
If this woman is truly a close friend, she deserves another chance. What's going on in her life that is responsible for the change in her behavior? People don't just magically turn obnoxious overnight, like they got cursed by the Larry David Sitcom Fairy or something. Draw closer to this friend, try to figure out what's up. If she's hurt you, share your feelings with her. If you need to break up, do so - sometimes that happens in a friendship. But do it like a grown-up, with compassion, honesty, and self-awareness. Rarely do I feel the need to bring out something as obvious as the Golden Rule, but you seem to have forgotten it: Treat her as you would like to be treated if somehow, someday, a close friend were to find you a wee bit irritating.
I have been asked to be a bridesmaid, and I have been requested to donate $250 for a shower celebration, in addition to a shower gift. Is this appropriate and common?
B.C. in Brookline
Bridesmaids usually chip in, as they're the ones who organize the shower, but that generally means helping out on punch and a veggie snack plate, not a serious monetary donation. The amount you've been asked to contribute seems out of line to me and in the social circles I move in; you may move in others. But the bottom line is, if it's out of your budget, say so to the main organizer. You might want to talk to the other bridesmaids about the situation, too, and see if it seems excessive to them. This could just be one person's over-the-top notion that nobody is really on board with, so don't be afraid to speak up.
My Word!
If a friend or relative is throwing a party, it's nice to offer to come early and help set up. In addition to providing practical help, having an "advance guest" or two with good social skills can also help ease that awkward transitional phase parties go through before they really start cooking. (Thanks to reader Verena Weiloch for this suggestion!)
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
