Living the Fantasy
Should my home be inspired by reality or a decorator? Plus potluck differences and co-worker burdens.
Is it appropriate to have a table set as though one were having a dinner party at all times? I see beautiful homes in magazines and on TV where the table is set with chargers, dinner plates, crystal, napkins, and silverware. For a formal dining room, is this over-accessorizing?
A.K. in Merrimack, New Hampshire
Magazines and TV aren't real life; they're an idealization of real life. As one magazine editor explained to me: "Having set tables promotes a fantasy-that you have a fabulous life, throw lots of dinner parties, have lots of friends. For the same reason, we never show a TV in a living room shot. The fantasy house doesn't have TVs - you're so busy with your friends and dinner parties, after all!"
I'm not sure if you're asking me if you may leave your table formally set, or if you must. You're certainly not obliged to, because your life isn't an art director's fantasy. But if you like the look, well, you're the art director in your own home, aren't you? So you can do whatever makes you happy. Perhaps your guests won't know what to make of it, but mine don't usually know what to make of the pink plastic flamingos in our kitchen, either, and yet somehow they cope.
I am a vegetarian who loves spicy/ exotic food, and my siblings and their children are all meat-and-potatoes, the-blander-the-better types. Family gatherings are informal semi-potlucks, and in the past I've brought what I thought most people would eat, though my own choices were limited. Lately, since I've stopped eating dairy, I've started to bring more "interesting" foods, which are generally not eaten by anyone except my husband, the occasional in-law, and me. Given that both my siblings and I are selective eaters, is what I'm doing rude?
C.S. in Newton
No, it's not. After all, they're not taking your needs and preferences into account, either. Imagine a Venn diagram in which one circle is "Stuff I can eat" and one is "Stuff my family can eat." I'm guessing the area where the circles overlap isn't very large. (If you don't know what a Venn diagram is, just imagine the MasterCard logo.) So you can all try to make things that fit into that tiny area of overlap, or you can all cook as you normally do and recognize that some folks will eat some things, and others won't.
That said, you might want to make a comment or two that will normalize the situation and make everyone feel comfortable about it. Since you don't hold the fact that your family doesn't accommodate you against them, let them know that. And let them know that you're not trying to be all superior and preachy - "Ooh, look at me and my fancy-schmancy cuisine that's sooooo much healthier and better for the planet!" (This obviously isn't your attitude at all, but never underestimate the extent to which people can feel judged by the choices of others.) I don't know the inner lingo of your family, so I can't tell you how best to express these sentiments, but I'm sure you can figure out a way.
I have a co-worker who has been out of the office quite a lot lately to care for her husband, who is dealing with a painful (but not life-threatening) medical condition. This has put quite a strain on the rest of us, who have to pick up her work. I really do sympathize with the situation, but it's becoming a problem. How can I tactfully bring this up with our boss, who has been thus far completely supportive of the co-worker's taking time off? It's starting to cause resentment among the troops.
L.B. in Stow
Present the issue as a problem that needs to be solved together in a way that is fair and kind to everyone. You might want to start off by praising your boss's compassion and flexibility so far, and then let him or her know the toll it's starting to take. The solution that worked three months ago isn't working now - which doesn't mean that it was a bad solution in the first place, just that times have changed.
Have some factual details to bolster your point. "Ted has worked late at least two nights a week for the past month" or "I've taken on X, Y, and Z responsibilities in addition to my usual workload" is better than "We're all feeling stressed out." Don't overwhelm your boss with the stats, though; the point is only to communicate the reality of the problem, not induce a fit of guilt (or snoozing, the most common response to long lists of quantitative data). Finish up with a statement of your willingness to work together to solve the issue. Before you talk to your boss, it might be a good idea to talk to one or two other co-workers. Bat around some ideas for more equitable work-sharing and how best to approach the boss. Don't rally every single one of the troops around you, though, or your boss might feel there's a revolt on his or her hands - and the coworker who's dealing with a stressful situation at home will feel ostracized.
My Word!
College-bound teens can feel overwhelmed by the decisions facing them and the plethora of advice they're offered. If you're friends with high schoolers, try to keep your small talk focused on their extracurricular activities, jobs, or other topics - they need a break from obsessing about their futures. (Thanks to reader Reni Ellis, and please don't ask her what she plans to major in.)
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
