Where (Most) Everybody Knows Your Name
Forgetting a bar pal's moniker, plus surprise visits from grandma and wedding locations.
Once a week after work, I stop by my local pub and have a few imported beers at the bar. Over the past three or four months, I have been talking to the same guy most every week for a fair amount of the time. He is a good egg, and we get along pretty well. Here is the problem: I can't remember the dude's name for the life of me, yet he always greets me by name. I usually respond with a friendly "Heeeey! How are you?" While not the world's biggest conundrum, what do I do?
D.B. in Portsmouth, New Hampshire
Fess up to your bar buddy, in a fit of adorable self-conscious embarrassment, possibly involving the purchase of an imported beer for him: "This is really awful, but you've probably figured out with all those `Heeeeys!' that I can't remember your name. Can I buy you a Guinness to make up for my lapse?" I'm sure he won't be offended, even if you omit the drink offer. Although he's remembered your name, he's forgot- ten plenty of others in his day. We all do; we only evolved to be able to keep track of a couple hundred people, and now we live in a world where we know thousands. So your confession will probably give your drinking buddy a little thrill of joy such as that which you get when someone forgets to attach an attachment to an e-mail, and you realize you're not the only one who does that. (Surely the Germans have a word for this - elektronischeanhangvergessenfreude, perhaps?)
Alternatively, if you usually have the same bartender, you could give the barkeep a nice tip when your friend is absent and ask him or her to make an introduction - "I see you guys in here every Monday! I should introduce myself. My name's Chris" - that will prompt your friend to say his name, too.
Is it generally considered bad manners for a grandmother to stop at her son's house to say hello to her grandchildren without calling first to be sure it's OK? I was driving past their street after a dentist's appointment and decided to stop by to say "Hi." My son tells me this is impolite. Is it bad manners or his version of bad manners?
R.P. in San Jose, California
"Bad manners" and "his version of bad manners" are, in this case, the same thing. People get to decide if they want guests to call in advance or if they're open to being dropped in on, and if they prefer the former, it's rude not to comply with their wishes. It's like addressing people as they wish to be addressed; it's not rude to call a woman Debbie, but it is if her preferred nomenclature is Deborah. (Or Sonya. Or anything besides Debbie.) If your son wants you to call first, call.
Where to have our wedding? My fiance's family and most of our friends live in New England, and most of my family is in the Midwest. I don't want to come off as the entitled bride and simply have the wedding near my family, as that will force his family and our friends to travel. However, some of my close relatives would not be able to get to Boston. I know that there are going to be people who will have to travel regardless, but is there any fair way to decide - and what is the best way to tell people about the decision?
L.K. in Waltham
One way that seems awfully fair to me is to have the wedding where you live. In your horror of coming off as "entitled," you seem to forget that your convenience and desires count, too! You and your fiance will be doing all the planning and the work, and it will obviously be much easier to do that on your own home turf. Are there compelling reasons not to do so? Do you have aging or money-strapped relatives for whom travel would be a serious hardship? Do you want to have the wedding where you grew up, perhaps in a church to which you still feel attached?
People are going to have to travel either way, and I think that unless, for some reason, travel is much harder on one group than on the other, you should have the wedding in the place that is most convenient and desirable for you. Yes, you. You are entitled!
Whatever you decide, give everyone the same story in a cheerful, nonnegotiable tone. "We decided to have it in Midwest City, because my grand-mother is 90 and travel is hard for her," or "We're doing it here, because the logistics of planning are too difficult otherwise," or "We honestly couldn't decide, so we flipped a coin!" Don't tell anyone anything until you've made a decision. You don't want to start getting lobbied by relatives anxious to avoid plane fare, and you probably will be, if people think you're on the fence. Once you've made up your mind, don't let anyone guilt-trip or second-guess you or whine about it. And, of course, don't forget, you can always have a celebratory party later, in whatever part of the country you didn't have the wedding proper in.
My Word!
On June 26 at 8 p.m., Miss Conduct will be moderating a panel discussion on gay marriage at the Peabody Essex Museum in Salem. Tickets are $15 for nonmembers, $10 for members. Call 978-745-9500, ext. 3011 for reservations by June 24. The panel is part of PEM's exhibit "Wedded Bliss," which aims to "reveal the diversity of creative response to weddings, as well as changing attitudes and customs over time."
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
QUESTIONS? Write to missconduct@globe.com or The Boston Globe Magazine/Miss Conduct, PO Box 55819, Boston, MA 02205-5819.
