Produce Perfectionists
Can shoppers engineer the ideal berry box? Plus, reserved seats and girlfriend faux pas.
At my Whole Foods, I saw a woman opening several containers of strawberries and combining all the good ones into one perfect container of berries. While I was trying to decide if I should say something to her or a store manager, one of the produce workers came over and started to laugh and joke with her as she continued to engineer the perfect berry batch. Am I hypersensitive when it comes to the ways of berry buying? Should I not care, because I had already chosen my berries?
H.K.in Hingham
If the produce worker wasn't bothered by it, you shouldn't have done anything. All you would have accomplished is to get the berry picker mad at you and embarrass a clerk by implying that he or she should have disciplined one of the store's customers. I agree that the picky lady wasn't playing fair, though I can't help but feel a sneaky sympathy for her (and make an extra note to myself to wash produce very carefully). I don't think produce companies are playing fair, either, when they dump that handful of poor-to-middling berries (or grape tomatoes, or what have you) into the container. It's not fair to the customer, and if one wishes to wax anthropomorphic, it's not fair to the substandard berries, which must surely know that they are not wanted and are only purchased because the buyer desires their plumper, firmer kin.
At the movies recently, I saw an altercation over a seat. A man had left a coat on his seat to reserve it as he stepped away. The coat had slipped to the floor, and a woman took the seat. When he returned, the man insisted she vacate the seat and threatened to call the manager and police. With no member of his party sitting next to the disputed seat to hold it for him, is it fair for this man to eject an innocent person who thought she had the right to sit there?
M.S. in Randolph
Threatening to call the police? There's a bit of overreaction for you. Given the gentleman's outstanding social skills, I find myself astonished that he was unable to procure a friend to accompany him. That said, his overall behavior wasn't bad, just the bellicosity that accompanied it. It's generally held that having a friend save your movie seat while you dodge out for a quick pre-film run to the snack bar or loo is kosher; why discriminate against solo moviegoers? Must a seat be saved by the hand of another before we consider it truly saved? I don't see the logic of this, or why we apply "innocent" to the unwitting seat-stealer but not to the ineffectual seat-saver.
He should have said nicely, "I'm sorry, my coat fell on the floor - there, it's right between your feet - I was saving this seat for myself." And the woman who had taken his seat should have said, "Oh, sorry! I didn't realize," and moved. Had she refused to do so, a dignified person would have said, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and resettled himself.
I was raised by parents who believe in the importance of table manners, including placing the knife and fork parallel to each other on one's plate when finished. I am in a relatively new relation- ship, and my girlfriend was not raised with this particular piece of etiquette. She'll be meeting my family soon, and I want them to think highly of her. Would it be petty to voice this to her? This isn't a relationship killer, and I expect my family will like her regardless, but she only has one chance to make a first impression and I'd really like it to be a good one!
M.S. in Boston
If you believe your family would seriously think less of your girlfriend because she did not conform to a particular rule of dining so rarely practiced these days that servers don't even expect it anymore (if they did, they'd stop asking if you were all set with that), then you might want to think about therapy before you get any further into the relationship. I'm sincere about that: Either your family has very strange priorities that you are enabling and haven't ever tried to deconstruct, or else there's something about the relationship that doesn't feel quite right to you, and you're fussing about knives and forks because you don't want to think about what's really going on.
You don't imply that your girlfriend's eating habits are uncouth or disgusting, merely that she doesn't parallel-park her utensils when she's done. Is there really the slightest chance that this would bother any well-adjusted person? Your family should be concerned about whether your girlfriend makes you happier and more alive, and whether she is a kind person and fun to be around. That's pretty much the limit of what they're allowed to make a judgment call on. And for your part, you should be worried about your girlfriend's comfort and ability to enjoy herself with your family, not their potential judgment of her.
My Word!
If you're afraid of dogs, cross the street when you see one coming or step aside. But remain calm. Reacting loudly is not only rude but also might startle either the dog or its owner, and a frightened dog - or a dog that thinks its owner is being threatened - can be dangerous. (Thanks to the anonymous reader, and her utterly harmless pet, who suggested this tip.)
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
QUESTIONS? Write to missconduct@globe.com or The Boston Globe Magazine/Miss Conduct, PO Box 55819, Boston, MA 02205-5819. 