It's Not My Party
A non-RSVPer has some 'splainin' to do, plus missed phone calls and invitations for one.
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I received an invitation recently from someone at our tennis club. The e-mail was sent to the whole team, about 23 people - a handful rarely play, about seven are in the core group who play every week and socialize regularly, and the rest (including myself) are somewhere in between. I didn't want to say no and have the hostess think, "Who cares, I don't even remember inviting you," but I didn't want to hurt her feelings by not replying (or coming) if she wanted to see us. So I didn't reply. What should I have done?
A.B. in Newbury
I'm delighted that you wrote to me, if not to your tennis buddy, because I hear from loads of people maddened and baffled by the epidemic of non-repliers to invitations. At last, a non-replier explains! I'm sure your reason for not RSVPing isn't the only one out there, but it gives me something to work with.
It seems you failed to RSVP out of some sort of low self-esteem, the belief that you weren't really invited in the first place, so no response was necessary. But that's not a good reason to leave your host or hostess dangling. Maybe the hostess really wanted you to come, maybe she only sent the invitation to be polite, but in either case, she needs to know how much guacamole and tequila to lay in. That's why we RSVP: not to cause a spike of joy in the hearts of others, but to let them know how to plan their event. You should have let her know you couldn't make it.
And why did you assume the invitation wasn't sincere, anyway? You say that the core group is comfortable socializing without the rest of you, so if an invitation was issued to the whole club, you can safely assume that everyone's company was desired.
More and more, when I return missed phone calls, it seems as if I'm expected to explain my absence. If I don't, I sometimes detect a feeling of rebuff on the part of the caller. Unless I led the caller to expect I'd be available, I feel that saying "Sorry I missed your call" should be sufficient. Whether I was away from home or at home but indisposed, is it really discourteous not to offer a detailed explanation?
M.F. in Haverhill
You have the right to your privacy, and it's a good policy to maintain that right. If you've been somewhere you'd like to discuss anyway - "I was out at the farmers' market! They've got the best tomatoes. You should get out there before it closes!" - go ahead and mention it. But, in general, "Sorry I missed your call - how are you?" is fine.
Don't let anyone push you into feeling that you always have to account for your absence, because sooner or later that will backfire on you. You might not mind telling your friends that you were making a Costco run or taking the kids to soccer practice or the dog to agility training, but eventually you'll be out doing something you don't necessarily wish to discuss - seeing a long-lost foster sibling, having a colonoscopy, interviewing for a new job. So stick to your no-explanation policy. People don't have the right to 24/7 access to their friends and relatives, however much modern technology conspires to make us think we should.
I am beginning the process of addressing my wedding invitations and have encountered one that has caused me pause. An older friend has recently lost her husband to cancer. She is not currently dating anyone, and most surely will not bring a date, but I would like to extend that offer to her by addressing her invitation with an "and guest." Is this appropriate, or disrespectful to her deceased husband and their marriage?
C.C. in Worcester
With all this awful talk about bridezillas out there (some of it justified, some just plain old misogyny), I wish more people would realize how many brides are like you! You seem like an awfully nice person - and my mother thinks so, too. I asked the Conduct-Mom her opinion because my father died of cancer, too, and that first year in particular was awfully hard on her socially. I had my own idea about how you ought to handle it, and it turned out that we both came up with the same solution (my mother and I don't always agree, but when we do, you know we're right). We think that you should address the envelope with "and guest," and then call the woman - or have your mother or fiance or maid of honor do it, if one of them knows her better - the same day you mail it. Let her know how you've addressed the envelope, and tell her that although you know she isn't dating anyone, she'd be more than welcome to bring a friend or relative if she'd like to do so. If she's still uncomfortable going out to social events on her own, or if weddings are particularly hard on her, she'd certainly appreciate having the emotional support of a good friend.
My Word!
July 10 is Clerihew Day, celebrating quite possibly the silliest form of poetry ever invented - four-line biographical poems in AABB rhyme scheme, with no meter, named after Edmund Clerihew Bentley. Like this: Robin Abrahams/Never haws and hems/She gives advice/To people who want themselves and others to act nice. Check boston.com/missconduct for a clerihew contest this week! The prize is "The Best American Poetry 2007."
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
QUESTIONS? Write to missconduct@globe.com or The Boston Globe Magazine/Miss Conduct, PO Box 55819, Boston, MA 02205-5819.
