Where Breast Milk Shouldn't Go
Proper use of the company fridge, plus nosy co-workers, demanding friends, and pushy invites.
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A co-worker recently returned from maternity leave, and upon opening our office refrigerator today to grab my yogurt, I came face to face with a bottle of what appears to be breast milk, labeled with this woman's name. Although I breast-fed my children and am an ardent supporter of it, I always took pains to be discreet about it at work. If I pumped milk in the office, I stored it in a paper bag or small cooler so others wouldn't see it. What is your take on this? Should we all be exposed to her daily output of breast milk every time we venture to the fridge?
H.M. in Quincy
Your co-worker's behavior is seriously inappropriate, and I hope it can be attributed to the emotional upheaval of having to leave her baby and to the million-and-one things she must be trying to keep track of right now. One does not store bodily fluids - even sacred, precious, life-sustaining bodily fluids - in containers where others might see. Reasonable discretion and unreasonable body shame are not the same thing. Look, you're uncomfortable about this, and you're a breast-feeding veteran; imagine how childless colleagues, male and female, would feel. Worse yet, imagine a colleague both childless and clueless piping up at the morning staff meeting, "Hey, Sue, I ran out of half-and-half. Hope you don't mind I used some of your soy milk!" This must not be allowed to happen under any circumstances. I think you should address the matter with her, since you have lactation cred yourself, and she won't think you're a child- or body-hater. Explain to her how you handled the situation for yourself, and why.
Sometimes at work a couple of colleagues will stand next to me and peer over my shoulder at my computer screen, or pick up files and papers from my desk without first asking permission or being invited to do so. I consider this rude and an invasion of privacy, even though I realize my computer and files are the property of my employer. Still, it makes me uncomfortable. How can I respond to discourage this behavior?
C.K. in Cambridge
Bluntly. Something like "Hey, hey, hey! I'm not done with that. No prowling through the rough drafts, please," accompanied by a decisive grab, ought to do it. Your intervention should be cheerful, direct, and physically impossible to ignore. Of course the files and computer belong to your company, but that doesn't mean that everyone gets to pore over every single moment of your progress. You're at work, not starring in a reality show. For the over-the-shoulder computer ogle, get a rearview mirror affixed to your monitor. When you see someone approaching, shift to another application or a blank document, then turn around in your chair and face the other person for the duration of the conversation.
I'm an attorney, and a former coworker and current friend is trying to start her own law practice - specializing in an area that she knows little about and about which I know volumes. She has taken to e-mailing me with the technical questions facing her clients. While I would be happy to help her in an informal capacity if I were my own boss, I am now employed by a large firm. Giving out free advice, even informally, is a liability issue and a big no-no generally. How do I deal with this tactfully? I feel I'm being put in an awkward situation.
K.D. in Boston
So, you're a lawyer, a lawyer so good other lawyers come to you for advice, and you're afraid of confrontation? Well, I'm all about busting stereotypes, so smash bang, there goes another one. Tell your friend what you told me: "I'd love to help you, but as you know, I'm not allowed to give free legal advice under the terms of my employment [or professional ethics or whatever 'big no-no' specifically referred to]." If she gets angry, she's an even worse lawyer - and friend - than you're already painting her as, so it's hard to see what you'd be losing if she ended the relationship.
I received an invitation to a dinner and fashion show sponsored by a women's association. The response card has a "Yes, I will attend" box but the only "No" box states "No, I cannot attend but enclosed is $___ to be used for a scholarship." It will not break the bank if I send in $25, but I don't want to because of the tone of this reply card. I feel as though I am being railroaded. How do I respond?
S.B. in Worcester
This is both rude and pathetically transparent. It would be fine by me if you had checked the box that that said, "No, I cannot attend but enclosed is $__" and written in "0." Well, no, you shouldn't really have done that - but you could, and should, have left the amount blank and simply checked the box. People shouldn't be charged for the privilege of not attending an event.
My Word!
Warm weather means outdoor fun for everyone. Keep it fun, and safe: Don't get so wrapped up in conversations with other parents or pet owners that you forget to supervise your kids or dogs at the beach, park or playground. You don't need to hover - both kids and dogs need practice entertaining themselves and working out conflicts on their own - but always be watchful.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
