Toddlers Crashing a Party

When adults-only invites are ignored, plus responding to boob jobs and devoted teachers.

We inevitably have a handful of guests who bring their children to our adults-only functions. We hire a babysitter for our children, but she can't take on five or six additional children. These parents do not watch their children during the festivities, which means I end up playing babysitter instead of hostess. If these were the same culprits time and again, we would just scratch them off our invite list. Unfortunately, the rudeness rotates and we never know who will show up with children in tow. Should we stop entertaining altogether?
N.M. in Brooklyn, New York

You don't need to give up on cocktail parties just yet. Try an intervention first. After you put out invitations, call all the people who have kids and tell them: "We think everyone will be able to have a better conversation if it's adults only - is that a problem for you?" If it is, they'll say so, and then you can regretfully say, "Oh, well, next time, then." If they say it's not - and show up with kids in tow anyway - then you can legitimately drop them from your list.

And make sure you do have child-enhanced as well as child-free gatherings occasionally; it's good public relations.

In the past two weeks, my husband and I have seen two women who have had breast enlargements since we last saw them (my sister-in-law and my daughter's 22-year-old friend). It didn't bother me, but for my husband, the situation was not as clear-cut. I asked my sister-in-law privately how she felt about it, and she said she is more than happy to show them off and have anybody look, comment, even touch if so desired. My daughter's friend is also pleased to show off her new figure. (By the way, they both look fabulous.) What do you think?
L.C.S. in Kensington, New Hampshire By "both," you mean both women, right? Just to clear that up.

Let's start with the basic etiquette for how to respond to a change in someone's physical appearance. It's all right to specifically refer to a shift from glasses to contacts, or a change in hair color, or the like. (As long as you don't insult the previous style, which an awful lot of people do: "Thank God, you finally got rid of the gray!" is not a compliment.)

For major body overhauls - breast enlargements, significant weight loss, a nose job - it's more delicate to say, "You look wonderful! I don't know what it is, but you really look terrific these days." With luck, the terrific-looking person won't feel obligated to say "what it is." If confessions and medical details do ensue, evince some polite interest, and after a few moments say, "Well, you look just wonderful" and change the topic authoritatively. Do not accept offers to touch, ever.

Men, however, do not need to be listening to the details of women's breast enlargements - and should maintain the fiction that they do not even see the breasts of female relatives or their daughter's friends. If your sister-in-law, the friend, or any other members of the silicone-saline sisterhood begin discussing her procedure, I think your husband would be well within his rights to say: "Sounds like girl talk. I'm going to go to the kitchen and make some coffee [or whatever other patently ginned-up excuse can get him out of the room] - let me know if you want any." Then it's up to you to make sure the conversation winds up quickly so that he can be re-integrated.

Ever since I was in high school, I have worked with a teacher who has become a mentor to me. Now I have graduated from college and I am moving on to a new job. I feel very connected to this teacher, and I am extremely thankful for all that she has done for me. I want to do something to thank her and convey my appreciation, but nothing seems right. What sort of gifts are appropriate in this situation?
R.F. in Boston

The best gift of all would be your words. Write to her and tell her exactly what you feel: how she has inspired you, the particular kinds of wisdom that she has imparted to you, how her example will influence your own career. This will mean more than anything - and I do mean more than anything.

If you would like as well to give her a gift, make it a small and symbolic item of sentimental value: a decorative box, a funky but inexpensive brooch, a hand-thrown clay mug. Any gift you give should be something that reflects your knowledge of her likes and personality, that shows that you see her as a person as well as a mentor - that is, that you recognize her for who she is, as well as appreciating what she has done for you.

But the letter is the main thing. Write the letter. A letter like that from a student can keep a teacher going for years.

My Word!

If you or someone you love is sick or injured - especially if they are hospitalized - it's a good idea to designate a spokesperson to communicate the patient's desires, condition, and so forth. This takes the burden off the sick person and hospital staff, ensures that concerned neighbors, friends, and co-workers know whom to go to for updates, and keeps the rumor mill under control. (Thanks to reader and registered nurse Barbara McGee for this useful suggestion!)

+ ONLINE

BLOG

Read more of Miss Conduct's wit and wisdom at boston.com/missconduct.

CHAT

Get advice live every first and third Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m., at boston.com.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.

QUESTIONS? Write to missconduct@globe.com or The Boston Globe Magazine/Miss Conduct, PO Box 55819, Boston, MA 02205-5819.