Ogling and Telling

Should husbands and wives confess to each other which of their friends they fancy?

My husband loves women. Rather than compare sports scores and trade stock tips with the guys, he prefers to chat up the ladies at any given soiree, from playground potlucks to black-tie benefits. He finds them more interesting than their husbands, more fun, and, well, sexier. And he's not afraid to tell me so. I know which of our college classmates he had crushes on. I know which teachers at our sons' school he thinks are cute. And I know which of our friends he is most attracted to. And in what order. I reveal my share of crushes, too.

After several giddy girls' nights out this past year, during which my friends and I shared all sorts of secrets, I learned that most couples don't banter about this sort of stuff at home. More surprisingly, most of these women think their husbands aren't even looking at other women, let alone lusting after them.

One friend insists that it wouldn't occur to her husband to notice another woman. I am quite sure that what occurs to him is that if his wife notices that he notices, he'll be in big trouble.

Another friend claims her husband isn't interested in perky breasts and shapely derrieres. Yet this is a guy whose hands roam toward his female dinner partners', um, assets when he's had too much to drink.

My friends are beautiful, smart, worldly women. Their husbands adore them. But husbands are human. Why can't they admit it? Talking doesn't mean doing. I'm not suggesting acting on any of this. In fact, I'd argue that conversations between partners about who's hot (and who's not) can act as a safety valve, relieving sexual tension after an evening of wining, dining, and witty repartee. Marriage doesn't make you immune to the charms of others. And isn't communication key to a good marriage? I think so.

I like that my husband talks to me about his crush on Rebecca. That he confides how he felt tongue-tied the first time he talked to her because he found her so fetching. But most of my friends wouldn't like it. Not one bit. One acquaintance maintains: "If it's a stranger, fine. It's OK to discuss an attraction as long as it's fantasy. But if it's someone I know, I don't want to know." So, if there's any chance he could hook up with said object of desire, he should keep it to himself. Fair enough.

For some, even admiration from afar is still too close to home. One willowy brunette I know became unsettled upon learning that Scarlett Johansson is the celebrity her husband would most like to be with. (And not to discuss politics.) I'm astonished this bothers her. I mean, is it really a surprise that this luscious movie star could top his list? I challenge you to find a guy who hasn't got Scarlett on his list. Heck, she's on my list. What upset her about his revelation was that Scarlett is her physical opposite. Isn't that the point? To some degree, we all want what we don't - and, in this case, can't - have.

Most people aren't bothered by their mate's fascination with a glossy celebrity. It's even referred to on television. (Remember Ross's laminated list on Friends?) We figure there's a zero percent chance that the opportunity to bed a star will ever arise. But with the next-door neighbor, well, opportunity could easily ring the doorbell. This could explain why my husband and I seem to be alone in our tendency to share, or over-share, as the case may be.

Or perhaps those other folks are prudes? Probably not. Shy? Maybe. Insecure? Likelier still. But just because you don't talk about the elephant in the room doesn't mean it isn't lounging on your bed. A marriage license doesn't obliterate desire; I don't care what my friends say. And it doesn't need to. Dare I say I find such talk titillating? And, oddly enough, comforting.

A friend of mine says angrily, "Your husband should be telling you that you look beautiful." She's right. And if he didn't, then I might mind when his eyes stray elsewhere. But he does tell me. Often. In the bedroom, and out.

Marni Elyse Katz is a Boston-based freelance writer who amends her crush list often. Send comments to coupling@globe.com.

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