Hot Tickets, Slow Burn

What to do about profiteering friends, plus when "Mrs." doesn't fit and hand-me-down appreciation.

I purchased Celtics season tickets last year, and as it was a serious investment, a friend offered to buy some from me during the season. As the Celtics got hotter and hotter, I had no trouble getting rid of tickets. This friend asked for tickets to one of the final games to take his son. I reluctantly gave them up, at face value, only to find out that this friend sold the tickets for thousands of dollars. I am furious and hurt but haven't said anything yet. What would you do?
ANONYMOUS in Boston

Whoaaa. Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure about this? Beyond the shadow of even an unreasonable doubt? Because if you're wrong - oh, I don't even want to think about it.

If you are sure, then I think, at this point, you do whatever will enable you to get closure and move on. Write a letter to your former friend, now that some time has passed. Explain what you know, how you know it, why what he did was inappropriate, your feelings about the matter, and your wish that the former friend not contact you again. Be noble and don't tell anyone about the event; if you want to be very noble, you can even inform the friend that you won't discuss this matter with others, although you don't have to. This is what I would do, which after all is what you asked. But I also asked Mr. Improbable what he would do, and he said (after making the point several dozen times that you have to be absolutely sure that your current understanding of the events is indeed what went down) that he would insist the "friend" give him half the money and then never speak to him again. I think that's OK, too.

I am a divorced mom of two. I did not return to my maiden name following the divorce because I wanted to have the same last name as my children. I'm no longer a Mrs., but what should I be?
K.C. in Lincoln

You could still be a Mrs. if you wanted to. The old tradition is for divorced women to be Mrs. Maiden-name Marriedname; this is why my beloved 1942 edition of Emily Post's Etiquette lists the author's name as "Mrs. Price Post." But nowadays that would probably confuse everyone. You could go by Mrs. Firstname Marriedname (e.g., Mrs. Jane Smith), but if you're relatively young, that's probably what you went by before you got divorced - the "Mrs. John Smith" formulation having fallen out of favor in most circles - and maybe you want a change. You could go by Miss, but perhaps you don't want people to think you're an unwed mother. You could go to medical school or seminary and become a Dr. or the Reverend, but that would be expensive and more time-consuming than a divorced mother of two might be able to swing. Or you could go by Ms., which certainly seems to have the most to recommend it.

My sister-in-law and her sister have been giving me their sons' hand-me-downs (really nice stuff!) for a couple of years. We have gotten so much use out of everything. I send thank you notes and know they are not expecting anything in return, but I would like to do more. A gift certificate to a clothing store seems presumptuous. How can I show our appreciation without making them feel uncomfortable?
A.M. in Plymouth

I hear so many complaints and dilemmas, it's always a delight to get a question that asks, in essence: "Someone is being nice to me! How can I be nice back?" Here are some guidelines for you and everyone else who is the happy recipient of another person's generosity.

First of all, don't underestimate the joy of giving. When someone does you a kindness, it's not always necessary to do more than thank them sincerely. Altruism is a warm and glowy feeling, and getting paid back immediately for a favor can dim that happy light. If your neighbor snow-blows your walk for you or if your sister throws you a birthday party or if a fellow congregant drives you to chemo - sincere thanks may truly be all they want. At any rate, if you do decide to give back to them, do it in a spirit of love and gratitude, not in a spirit of wanting to prove your independence or to feel that you aren't in anyone's debt.

And be creative. As you point out, it would be presumptuous, and weirdly circular, to give them a gift certificate to a clothing store. Instead, think about other things you might do for them. Maybe you can take their boys out for a day - a yearly trip to the water park or zoo, maybe finished up by a sleepover at your place. This would give their sons a nice treat, help strengthen the relationship between their boys and yours, and offer the moms a grown-up day to themselves. This might not work for you, but it's the kind of thing you should be thinking of: Give experiences, not products, and in a way that nourishes the relationship and addresses real needs.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.

My Word!
When giving a gift with a card, put your address label on the back of the card. This will help the recipient when it's time to write thank you notes, as he or she won't have to look up your address. (Thanks to the anonymous chatter who suggested this clever bit of engineering.)

QUESTIONS? Write to missconduct@globe.com or The Boston Globe Magazine/Miss Conduct, PO Box 55819 Boston, MA 02205-5810.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.

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